My Break.

My hubby spent the day in Toronto for work and it was like a nice break for me, a much less stressful day where I could just relax and not always feel on edge and like I'm walking on eggshells. I could just enjoy what felt like a day off without being stressed out about what snarky remark, sarcastic comment, or condescendingbelittlement he's going to hurl at me, or what criticism I'm going to get next. I really like it those days when he's not here and it's like a day off for me as well.Of all the places ( I've moved about 13 times or so in my life) I've lived our old Toronto house(age 12-17) is also my fave. and the one that feels the most like Home for me and where I have the happiest memories and still have recurring dreams I move back to but I think are likely dreams representing me dying soon, as in going back Home.

 I should also be hearing next week about my Pap test for cervical cancer as it'll be 3 weeks, so either a letter in the mail if results are normal or a phonecall from the doctor for follow up(such as a biopsy) if not and I truly expect the phonecall. Deep in my heart I have a feeling that I do have cancer as it would explain my symptoms I've been having for this past year but they have so far been unable to find, such as the debilitating fatigue, abdomenal, stomach and back pain, extreme edema, sore, swollen, achy legs, diarrhrea and constipation, cramps, irregular bleeding, etc. I'll actually be relieved though, to finally get a diagnosis and have answers, and maybe then my toxic family will also stop saying I'm so lazy all the time for always being so tired and having no energy and laying around exhausted and feeling like something's sucking the life out of me. Maybe if I'm dying of cancer they'll finally give me a break? I hope I do die soon though, and I often have a feeling it won't be long, an answer to my prayer so I will finally be free and find the happiness and peace that eludes me

Our friends in California are luckily still safe with the wildfires as well; they can see smoke but as long as the wind doesn't change direction they think they should be ok. I know what it's like to lose everything in a fire and I still can't believe it's been 22 years since ours at our old house in Ottawa. I also can't help but wonder if we still lived in L.A. if our old house there would have been affected by the wildfires,too? We don't have much luck,afterall, incl. the 20 YR old having leukemia when he was 7 among various other traumas, hardships, misfortunes, etc.that never seem to stop coming. I keep waiting for my break in life but it never comes.