Running With Scissors.(Formerly HippoRastaPotamus): April 2020

No one really knows me, not even in my own family. Sure, they know the basics, like they know I love hippos, and that I love my dog like a person,and that my favourite colour is purple, but they don't really know me, because simply, they don't care and they don't take the time to bother finding out. One example would be that I've never liked berries my entire life and have always had an aversion to them(with the odd exception of raspberry jam and filled donuts; go figure) but I hate strawberry yogurt, or ice cream, for example, or blueberry yogurt or muffins; I just don't like berries yet over and over again my mother keeps trying to give me stuff with berries and then claims, Oh, I didn't know you didn't like berries! Oh, really? I've just never liked them for my entire LIFE and she doesn't know this by now, in all my 53 years of life, and she's my mother? Really? She just doesn't care enough to pay attention, or to listen to me or know who I really am.

Another example would also be just last night: I asked my hubby awhile ago I wanted for us to try another place for Pizza Night but he balked saying it was in another town 20 minutes away and they don't deliver out this far and he wasn't going to drive "all that way" ( not for something just for me,anyway)...yet just last night the 16 YR old wanted her fave. burrito at a place that's also in that same town 20 minutes away and he did go all the way there to get it for her( just not for me) so the drive wasn't too "far", too out of the way, or too inconvenient for her, just not for me, and while he was out my mother asked him to bring her back a burger from A&W so he did, plus food for the 25 YR old and the 13 YR old while he was there...but nothing really for me; he just gave me the left-over onion rings from A&W from my mother's meal that she didn't want, and although I normally do like onion rings, he also knows and has always known as does my mother and everyone else that I hate A&W and that I think it's the worst, grossest restaurant of them all, even worse than Popeye's (where the napkin has more flavour than the food!) and that A&W stands for Awful & Worse and *everything* they have is completely gross; the burgers, the fries, the onion rings, and even the cola; it tastes like root beer! There's nothing at that place that's edible and they couldn't even pay me to eat there and I'd never be desperate enough to ever eat there; I'd rather starve, and he knows it (and we're always making jokes about it,too, how awful it is,and he even agrees)...yet that's what he brings me home? WTF? Something from the place he knows I hate the most, would never eat at, and wouldn't even feed to my dog? I can't help but feel slighted, hurt, angry,and like he did it on purpose, just to get another little "dig" in at me, like he always does, just because he can, because he had the chance, the opportunity, to hurt me, exclude me, to piss me off, etc.... I just ended up giving it to the 25 YR old who literally eats anything so everyone else all had their snacks and I got nothing.

EDIT: UPDATE:

Just now ( 6 pm) my hubby was out and he stopped off at McDonald's and got me a Big Mac and fries ( without being asked!) so that makes up for his grave fiasco last night.

That's how I feel in my life, in this house, in this family. Like no one really knows me, wants me, includes me, etc. I feel unwelcome, unwanted, excluded, pushed out, like an unwanted, unwelcome houseguest, sort of like the tag-a-long no one wants around and always tries to ditch, the "Third Wheel" so to speak that no one ever wants around and tries to get rid of, the one that doesn't belong or fit in, the odd one out, the outsider, the "extra", the one that doesn't ever get an invitation to join the club,etc. Also the other day the 18 YR old cut her long hair into a cute Pixie cut (I love Pixie cuts; it's one of my fave. styles and I bet it looks so cute) and neither her or the 16 YR old would let me see a photo of it, leaving me out as always and it hurts. I'm an outsider even in my own family. Even when I try to include myself they still shut me out and push me away, making me feel worthless, never good enough, excluded, on the outside looking in, not "worth" really getting to know, love and be accepted, etc. just like I have been treated and made to feel my entire life by everybody.