Today's Truth.

Hemmoroids And Headaches.

For months now I have this annoying thing hanging out of my ass that I assume must be a hemmoroid and it hasn't really bothered me until now, other than being a nuisance every time I wipe my ass but now it's starting to hurt and it's getting bigger. It's right at the hole, and it's the size of a big pea, and is a pink-ish, peach colour and triangle-shaped. I Googled images of hemmoroids but it doesn't really look like the others, which sort of resemble umbilical cords; mine looks more like a lump of flesh but I assume it's most likely a hemmoroid since it's sticking out of my ass and I do have alternating bouts of constipation and diarrhrea which is a strain on the muscles down there, but of course it could also be a polyp, like I did have removed from my colon,or some other sort of growth, and the last CT scan I had it did show a "thickening of the rectal wall" which is an abnormal finding and may indicate cancer, and my turds lately are very dainty, thin, narrow, and pencil-shaped, indicating a possible blockage of some sort.....there's always something, isn't there? Being where it's located I'm not exactly in a hurry to go to the doctor and show anybody; it's kind of embarrassing, so I just put witch hazel on it for relief and in the hopes of shrinking it and if it's a hemmoroid that should work, and I should be due to my 2 year colonoscopy in October or so anyway so if it's anything substantial they'll see it then.

For the past week or so I also have this unusual headache where it's a headache but also pulsing, achy ears and a stiff sore neck. It's not my usual headache and I checked it and it keeps coming back as Occipital Neuralgia which is usually caused by a pinched nerve in the neck or upper spine or by TMJ in the jaw, which I know I do have as dentists and orthodontists have told me with my severe over-bite and misaligned jaw and I did look into but can't just get the corrective jaw surgery; I have to also get the costly orthodontic treatment that goes with it and that costs thousands of $$$$$ we don't have and that's NOT covered under the provincial health plan, and I remember too a scan before showed some of the upper vertebrae in my neck are disintegrating, so it looks like I'm just f*cked either way and just meant to suffer.

The story of my life.

Wordless Wednesday.

Daily Truth.

Re-post: Unlovable.

A post taken from my original blog:  https://impoguemahone.wordpress.com/

 I have always felt my entire life that I must truly be unlovable, that I must have some defect, something lacking, something that makes me unworthy of being loved, some character flaw, something, that prevents people from being able to love me as all my life I have always been rejected, excluded, abused, victimized, betrayed, used, taken advantage of, bullied, overlooked, inferior, less-than, etc. and the only one that actually loves me is my dog; others just tolerate me and have to co-exist with me, but no one else really loves me, cares about me, or gives a rat’s ass if I live or die, and they never really have.Even when I think I do have friends; people I like, care about,get close to,and think I can trust they always end up getting tired of me anyway after awhile and with my unfortunate looks I’ve never been able to attract guys and even my own motheradmitted to me once that she never loved me and my father left when I was 2 and I never saw him again.

Growing up with my own mother she bought me everything I wanted but wasn’t home much and didn’t spend much time with me, and  my grandparents weren’t what you’d call “affectionate”; I’d visit them regularly but they’d never hug or kiss me, they were very reserved, and I was that lonely odd kid in school who was always isolated, bullied and never fit in, and I never dated; my hubby was my only boyfriend, and I ended up in an unhappy marriage, longing for the lost love I never got to experience but still long for, and ever since I had my own kids my mother has become really controlling and interfering and our relationship has been destroyed, and my own kids have distanced themselves from me now,too…it just feels like no one ever stays around or likes me for too long, like I “repel” people once they really get to know me….

Like I’m unlovable.Like no one can ever love me.Like I’m not ever meant to beloved.

I don’t know whether it’s due to my Asperger’s, my bipolar, or what, but it feels like there must be something about me, my personality, my character traits, my limitations, my aura, my beingness, my influence, my presence, my existance, that just seems to turn people off and turn people away, and that makes me unworthy of love, unable to be  loved. Just….unlovable. At least that’s the way I’ve been treated my entire life makes me feel.

It’s a very lonely existance.

Chuckle For Today.

Tuesday Truths.

Daily Pondering.

The Dress And The Dream.

Last night I again had that recurring dream I've had alot lately where I'm wearing a blue satin strapless dress( like the one seen here) with a pearl necklace and I'm at a fancy dance and it appears to be somewhere very formal and I have the sense it might be on a cruise, perhaps the last night, and that's where I met my True Love, my Soul Mate, my Eternal Companion. He asks me to dance and there is this instant connection, this bond, this reocognition that I've finally met The One I've been waiting for my entire life. I know it's just a dream and not very likely, and for one thing I don't even have a dress like that, but it just seems so real, so convincing, like a foreshadowing of what's to come, like a glimpse into the future, esp. as it keeps recurring, although in actual reality I know it's probably just a play-out of my fantasies and greatest wish in my dreams at night. Perhaps it's also a hint of what it will be like for me in Heaven, where your dreams are supposed to come true, and where I will be beautiful and loved? All I know is that my hubby isn't the one meant for me; there's no way he can be the one God send me when I'm so miserably unhappy. I truly believe He wants me to be happy and loved. It's just taking a looooong time.......

We also used to have chairs and 2 garbage cans with lids on our front veranda.....but now with the fierce hurricane-force winds( 119 KM/HR) yesterday and all night we now just have one garbage can left with no lid......everything else all blew away somewhere and are either down the street somewhere, in a neighbour's yard,on a roof, or up in a tree somewhere......who knows where, but they're gone.... and these were the brand-new garbage cans my mother was so excited about getting,too.....doesn't it figure....the weather yesterday was just crazy insane; we had everything, incl. a thunderstorm in February: thunder, lightening, heavy rain, even hail, hurricane-force wind,and then later even blowing snow. Weirdest thing ever.

Today's Truth.

The Wish.

When I was a kid I used to wish that I could fly. I still do (that would be awesome!) but now as an adult my wish is that I was pretty. If I was I know without any doubt, and with all certainty, that I would have had alot more opportunities and choices in life, esp. when it comes to dating, love, and finding a life partner. Instead of being the ugly girl always left behind, the one that waited for phone calls and being asked out on dates from boys that never came, and being the one leaning against the wall at school dances waiting for a boy to ask me to dance, missing out on Prom because I never had a date, never knowing the experience of having a crush like me back, never even being cat-called or complimented, never being "picked up"(not even sitting alone at a Jazz bar in Cuba) never being "checked out", never being whistled at, never being oogled, never being desired, never feeling or made to feel attractive or desired, never feeling sexy or alluring. If only I was pretty my life would have been so different.

I could never be sexy, attractive or desirable even when I try. Even getting all dressed up and putting on make up, even with long hair, I still just always end up looking like a man in drag. There's just no way around it: I'm ugly with a big long face and a big head and have manly, masculine features. Both my parents are homely and manly-looking and I got the worst of each. I never really had a chance. You know those masculine-looking Russian women that drive tractors on farms or those manly German women that work in car factories.....that's sort of what my mother looks like and my father has the long face and the ears that stick out.....and I got both from both of them.

Even my own hubby doesn't desire me, esp. now I'm old, grey and fat, even though he is,too, with his jiggly tummy, his grey hair, and now his boobs are as big as mine......he's no "prize" either...... he hasn't touched me in years; I feel like a leper......and even when I WAS young and thin years ago I was still always ugly and even then he was still the only one that was ever interested in me and wanted me, so I settled. It was either that or nothing and I wanted a family. (Little did I know, but hindsight is everything, right?) but I missed out on so much, like romance, passion, attraction, happiness, and love. Even when I used to do IT with him I'd always imagine he was someone else, someone I loved or was at least attracted to. It really hurts to realize that no matter how hard I try I will never be desirable or attractive to anyone, ever.

I just need to be loved. We all do. God is love and He created us with this basic need to be loved. I just need someone who can look past the physical and the broken and see something in me that no one else does. I need to find someone that loves me enough to help me heal. I need someone to look at me and think, What a woman! That's my girl! and to smile when they think about me or hear my name. I need to be special to someone, to mean the world to someone, to be attractive to someone, to be seen as "beautiful" to someone because they love me. I wish I was pretty because then I would have a higher chance of being loved.

Laff For The Day.

The Pain.

All yesterday my abdomenal pain was really bad, the kind of pain so bad that nothing works to relieve it except for weed; a special kind of pain on a whole new level that can't even be described and this morning around 4 am I was jolted awake by the worst abdomenal pain ever; it was shocking and blinding and all-encompassing I couldn't move and I could hardly breathe. I actually thought something must have ruptured in there it was so bad. I broke out into a cold sweat and I thought I was going to pass out and die right there. It was the kind of pain where you just gasp and wince and suck in your breath all at the same time, so overwhelming that you just curl up into a ball and rock, panting and breathing shallow, nauseated with pain, on the brink of unconsciousness.

It seemed to have originated on my right side but then quickly radiated to my entire abdomenal area. I wonder if it might have been the cysts either on my right ovary or my right kidney rupturing, perhaps, or maybe evem my appendix?Or maybe just a severe attack of my IBS, or my colon maybe got twisted or blocked in some way? Who knows but whatever the hell it was it was sure as hell painful as f*ck and after awhile it abated but I'm still left with pain but now more a dull, nagging, dragging diffuse pain.

Getting old really sucks.