Larf For Today.

Last Day.

Today is the last day. The last day of the month, the last day of the year and the last day my prayer runs out for the year as every day I have prayed to God this year asking Him that I either find love and happiness sometime this year or that I die this year and find peace.

                                                               Neither has happened and I've run out of time.
                                                               Today is the last day.


  Yet another year has come and gone and I'm still here. I'm still lonely. I'm still miserable. I'm still hurting. I'm still alone. I'm still isolated. I still long for someone to hold me and tell me they love me. I still long for hope for the future. I'm stuill waiting for positive change. I'm still waiting for a new life, for a new me. Another year has passed with yet more failed hopes and dreams gone by. I am still me.

Laff For The Day.

Raw And Ragged.

  The manicure I had done at the nail salon is all gone now, but it lasted for 2 months which is good as they only guarantee 2 weeks. Now my natural nails are back again, seen here, all raw and ragged. It looked so glamourous before with the French Manicure, with pretty nails that weren't all chewed up with anxiety but it costs so much $$$$ that I really don't have for such luxuries and I've only been to a nail salon something like 3 times in my entire life, unlike my friend in Brazil who goes with her 2 year old daughter weekly and they both get mother-daughter manicures together every week and she often gets a pedicure too. I must admit I like having my nails done though as it makes me feel pretty. I know I'll never actually be pretty but this is the closest I'm ever going to get. I'll never be pretty or thin but I can at least have funky hair, dress well and the odd time get my nails done. I do try and do the best I can with what I've got, it's just not much.

  I hate my nails though, all raw and ragged but it's so me though and does represent me and my life when you really think about it: ugly, beaten-down, raw, exposed, torn apart, ragged, worn out, unattractive, nothing desirable to look at, the bare basics, unfeminine, unsexy, rugged, masculine, battle-scarred, chewed apart, plain, no-frills, sloppy, low-maintenance, stressed-out and anxious, etc.. and at times I think, The hell with it; this is me. Take it or leave it. Like me as I am or f*ck-off. But there's also this: Let's get serious though: who's going to ever want this? I'm fat, ugly, stupid, old, and beset by medical and other issues.... I still hope and dream though that there's somebody out there that can look deeper, beyond the physical appearance, and can see into my heart and see something in me worth loving, that will love me for my heart, for who I am, like how God and my dog do. When I look in a mirror or see photos of myself I get so mad I want to smash it or tear it up; I hate myself for being so ugly and all the lost opportunities it has cost me in life, mostly missing out on finding romance and love because no guys have ever wanted me, not even when I was younger before I got fat and old, but I was still always ugly.

  My hubby also always yells at me to be quiet, shut-up, stop talking, etc. and who the hell does he think he is,anyway? I'm sick and tired of him always talking down to me so disrespectfully, putting me down, belittling and berating me, treating me like I'm one the kids, being condescending like I'm nothing and like I don't matter. I hate him so much. He makes me feel like shit, like I'm worthless. Nobody should be made to feel like that, about themselves, or ever.

Daily Musing.

Thoughtful Ponderings.