Larf For Today.

 

Good Riddance 2021!

Finally an end to yet another shitty year! 2021 can kiss my ass and it was another terrible, horrible, awful Scamdemic year run by the tyrannical COVIDian Regime limiting eveyone's freedom and scaring the public into mass hysteria and paranoia with their fear-mongering turning them into mindless obedient sheeple and now the restrictions are even worse and they're making the prisoners in the old-age homes get a fourth booster now,too,and social gatherings now limited to only 10 people and many New Year's Eve festivities have been cancelled as well(I haven't gone to a NYE party in forever as I can't stay up that late anymore but I used to in my 20's and 30's, in full formal ballgown attire and the whole bit only minus the alcohol) and it's not right to always ruin everyone's fun all the time, and in Quebec it's even worse; NO public gatherings at all,curfew,(it's Martial Law!) and all public worship has been banned as well yet if they did that in China they would cry human rights violations and religious persecution(which is is of course) and put sanctions on them but they do the exact same thing here and think nothing of it because this country is a Fascist hypocritical shithole. The 22 YR old and her BF are sick now too but they don't have to worry it's COVID though because they've been vaccinated and we all know how "well" the vaccines work, right....ha, ha....either that or the vaccines really DON'T work or they're NOT really vaccines...a true vaccine prevents you from getting  the disease; it doesn't lessen it and if you had to get 3 polio vaccines, for instance and still got Polio you'd be asking questions so why is it any different for COVID?

The 27 YR old also told me something funny: Depression Bath Bomb: a toaster, and he says the reason I'm upset I never got a Christmas present is because I'm "materialistic" and "bow down to Capitalist consumerism" when the real reason is I just want to be loved, acknowledged, thought of, remembered, and included, and I overheard him asking my mother to help him get revenge on so-and-so and she replied, How can I help? instead of the more expected WTF? or something along those lines but that's my family for you, and it's my birthday next week too and I'm going to be 55(I feel so old!) and I want Eat Me inscribed on my cake,  and my hubby's finishing off 2 weeks' vacation and luckily he hasn't disrupted my routine or been in my space or in my face.

My fave. dispensary is also back to delivery so I ordered a CBD topical cream to help with my arthritis pain(and it was on sale  for 51$ and I remember when I used to buy the expensive 100$ face creams at the swanky cosmetic counters at the fancy department stores too when I used to have $$$ and now I just get the 10$ ones) and I tried a cannabis-infused mango-pineapple sparkling drink too but it was soooo gross it was bitter and sour and tasted like tangerine and grapefruit I had to choke it down because I spent $$ on it and wasn't going to waste it but I'm never getting that again but I wanted to try it. It was the cool Jamaican guy delivering it too and I like that guy; he's always so friendly and nice and he says to me, Here ya go Darlin; enjoy, and have a happy new year!  Jamaicans are always so nice and easy-going, friendly and easy to get along with and I always feel a bond and a connection to them. They're my people!

I also decided to keep the Christmas tree up a week longer(I normally take it down on New Years) as I like it and I'm not ready to see it go yet so I'll take it down next weekend, on Epiphany, so that way I still get to enjoy it a week longer(I really wish it could stay all year) and have it for my birthday as well; I can just say it's still up for Orthodox Christmas, and yesterday hitting the bong I wondered why it was so extra strong and harsh on my throat and then I realized I'd forgotten to put the water in the bong( duh!) so I put what little snow we have left( we're supposed to get 10-15 cm on Sunday though so we'll get more to replace it) in to cool it down. I also realized that a farm is really just a really, really, really big garden and I saw a neighbour flying a flag I didn't recdognize at first; it was red and white and looked like it had a rook in the middle but then when it unfurled I saw it was just the Canadian flag. HA!

I also had this weird dream I was in Toronto to shop and there was a bombing and I was burned and had broken teeth and the worst of it was I was pissed-off that I never got to go shopping, and I noticed Buddy has a hard lump the size of a Cadbury Easter Creme Egg in his groin as well; what used to be squishy before and I thought was a hernia so I now wonder is a tumour(and he has cancer like I feared all along) and the only thing I still want to keep from this life once I die is my dog and he is the best thing to ever happen to me in my entire life, and I'm living my childhood dream and had the kids I wanted so why am I still so unhappy?

See ya next year!

The tips of my wings are freezing and I can no longer fly.

 

Pondering For The Day.

 

Things That Make Me Happy.

THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY:

- My dog

-Sitting outside in the sun

-The feeling of the warmth of the sun on my face

-Scented candles

-incense

-music

- swimming

-flying

-warm blankets

-chunky sweaters

- warm baths

-bath bombs

-scented body lotions and oils

_blogging

- cute baby animals

-babies

-sunflowers

-lilacs

-reading

-a good meal

- chocolate

- Christmas trees

-Christmas lights

- Jamaica

- flowers

- sequins

-velvet

-old photos

-palm trees

-art

-hippos

- rainbows

- purple

- mangoes

-coconut

- fuzzy warm socks

- tie-dye

- going barefoot

- summer

- wildflowers

-The smell after it rains

-fresh snow

- autumn leaves

-weed

- -kindness

- the sound of crickets and cicadas

- a starlit night sky

- the beach

- sunsets

- happy memories

- love

- beauty

- sour cream &onion chips

- Chihuahuas and Dachshunds

- BoHo style

- travelling

Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you'll look back and realize they were big things.-Kurt Vonnegut

 

Wordless Wednesday.

 

Today's Musing.

 

My Thoughts Exactly.

I came across a bunch of these yesterday and they perfectly describe me, my life, and exactly how I feel. They could have come straight from my heart so here they are. My back is also getting worse now,too, not only the lower back but now starting to move up as well to incl. my mid-back now too, and for the past 2 weeks or so I don't have much of an appetite either and have to practically force myself to eat and I've skipped lunch every day because I'm just not hungry which is odd for me. I remember I was like this before too when I had liver failure when I was prego with the 14 YR old. I'm glad I didn't die on Christmas though as I can just imagine my mother blaming me, This is just like her! I bet she even did it on 'purpose' and died today just to ruin everyone's Christmas!

I also had these weird dreams as well: one that an old friend professed his love for me and even went to my hubby and told him I'm in love with your wife and I want her to come with me (and he was glad and basically told him good luck) which is funny because no one loves me except for my dog; not even my own family; not even my own mother, my hubby, or even my kids. I also had a dream I saw my old friend D( from grade 6 thru highschool  until I moved to L.A at 17)and she was the only one that didn't turn on me in Jr.High and join the bullies in tormenting me but remained loyal and still stayed my friend right thru and I am so grateful for that)and told her I'm coming back to Riverdale(our highschool)tomorrow! I moved back to our old house, (my old Toronto house) you know, the one we used to hang out at! and she was happy and said Yay!

I also thought I smelled dead mice but it actually turned out to just be my mother cooking turnip and I joked that after my lifetime of having to endure all her rank, rancid, fetid gross stenches( turnip, broccoli, Brussels Sprouts, liver,etc) that make me gag and nauseous now it's finally my 'turn" and I can stink up the place and gross her out now with my weed smell! HA!

The other day the 27 YR old also made some comment about me waddling by and it really hurt.I'm a "sensitive" person anyway by nature and after years of bullying, abuse, criticism, belittling,rejection, etc.and no self-esteem it really "gets" to me and wears me down and chip away at me and just makes me feel even worse and makes me hate myself even more. Why are they always so mean to me?

I also saw the perfect name foe tyranny going on with all the COVID restrictions, lockdowns, mandates, segregation, etc: COVIDian Regime. That sums it up perfectly. It's like some sort of brainwashed cult. Now they're locking up people in the old-age homes again too, not letting them go out or allowing visitors in; they're like prisoners and they won't die of COVID but of isolation and loneliness. it's just beyond heartless and cruel.

I also realized that people who say Just get 'over' it have never truly experience trauma.

I came across this as well and it might explain my symptoms: 

Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome:

It's a rare inherited genetic connective tissue disorder where your collagen is faulty and symptoms incl. flexible joints, stretchy skin, easy bruising, heavy bleeding, slow wound healing, extreme scarring, bone, muscle,and joint pain, migraines, seizures, high narrow arched palate, autism spectrum, gastro issues, incl. IBS and Divurticulitis, varicose veins, osteoarthritis, fatigue, thin lips(like I had before my injections years ago; I barely even had a top lip!)etc. all of which I have,and the problems and risks associated with it as a result are heart issues, aneurysms that can rupture and are fatal, and stroke. To have the more common one you inherit a gene from 1 parent and to inherit the more serious one you have to inherit a gene from both parents.It does sound highly suspicious and highly likely, so I wonder if I finally found the answer I've been searching for at long last?

"The obedient always think of themselves as virtuous, rather than cowardly." - Robert Anton Wilson

 

Daily Truth.

When I was 12.

1979.

 

Second Christmas.

Yesterday we had our Second Christmas with the 22 and 25 YR olds(shown here) and their BF's but after all that waiting for the 20 YR old to video-call from Vancouver( they're 3 HRS behind us time-wise) she wasn't even there but at work, but the second-oldest and the 18 YR old were and the girls never even ate any of the Christmas dinner we had saved for them,either, not even a slice of the pumpkin pies we got from our friend's bakery! I never said anything(but am just venting here) but I was shocked by the 25 YR old how much worse she's getting and seems to be deteriorating; she was always Goth ever since she was a teen and I was hoping it was just a phase that she would outgrow but now she's even deeper into it and it's creepy only now she looks more S&M and looks like a dominatrix and she's porked up alot now as well and her voice sounds funny,too, like she's been sucking helium and I'm dismayed to learn as well she's basically dropped out of  school (when she only has 2 courses left until she graduates with a degree in psychology) saying she "doesn't know what she wants to do with her life" like my mother's cousin's son who was in his last year of dental school and dropped out and took off for Australia; I mean, why get so close to graduating and then just quit? At least finish and get your degree; what an utter waste of time and $$$.

Here they are with their BF's and both the BF's wore masks but one took his off when he saw that no one else was wearing one but the other kept his on the entire time and of all of the kids only one of them (the 22 YR old) even bothered to give me a Christmas gift,too,yet the girls all pooled together to get my mother a sapphire blue Oodie that costs 100$. The 18 YR old even sent gifts all the way from BC but nothing for me. So yesterday I had to bear sitting there watching everyone else open gift and gift after gift and I just got the one. She gave me these nice warm burgundy chenille fuzzy socks with sherpa lining  and little rubber "pimples" on the soles to prevent slipping and a funny cuss word colouring book and I laughed so hard and even learned a few new words! She was even thoughtful enough to get Buddy a present as well: a squeaky toy(he loves) and dog chews! He knew there was something under the tree for him too as he kept going at the presents sniffing them!

The 27 YR old even got the 45 pound tungsten cube he wanted too; all the siblings pitched-in together as a group to get it for him, shown here, and you can see the density and weight of it as it sits on the blanket and dents it, but it's small and fits in the palm of your hand; he's a collector of odd and unusual things, and at the end of the day my hubby also gave me this weird Dr.Seuss Fox in Sox Pop! figurine too I have no idea what to even do with and for one thing I don't even like Dr.Seuss and have no idea why he'd even give it to me and my guess is that it was someone's unwanted Christmas gift they want to re-gift and no one else wanted it so he just gave it to me feeling "sorry" for me that I hardly got anything and gave it to me out of pity? I always feel disrupted, displaced, uncomfortable, depressed,and suicidal when the kids visit as well, most likely as it reminds me that I'm not a part of this family and I never really was and when I asked why the 27 YR old said years of emotional abuse  and that I should try to be more involved but whenever I do they always push me away and say things like No one asked you! I wasn't talking to you! You're not part of this! etc. and it only makes me withdraw even more,and I asked them what I ever did to make them hate me so much and they say You know! except I honestly don't; I have no idea what I said or did  other than just being bipolar and autistic, so maybe that's just it? The oldest once said I didn't do anything in particular it's just the overall atmosphere in our family as we've been thru alot of traumas. and maybe it's also just the stress of living with an autistic bipolar mother? I'm sorry though for whatever it was and it certainly wasn't my intention and I had no idea.

I'm always so deeply deeply sad and the only reason that I haven't killed myself yet is I don't want to leave Buddy all alone because I know he loves me and would be devastated even though no one else would care I couldn't do that to him; he's the only reason that I still keep holding on. I wonder as well if my stomach pain might even just be due to stress and anxiety, and my fave. time of day is sundown, where I lay on the couch in the living room cuddling with my dog, watching the Christmas tree lights twinkle by candlelight. It's just so peaceful and serene and my quiet hygge time.

I'll see you on the Dark Side of the moon.- Pink Floyd

 

Thought For Today.

 

F*ck, Just F*ck.

Yesterday while the 27 YR old was at work I found this on the floor next to his stuff and I just about had a friggin' heart-attack! WTF, the sneaky little bugger went out and got  The Mark of The Beast? I mean he's an adult now and there's really nothing I can do about it other than tell him how stupid he is and how he's going to regret it and likely be dead within 5 years and how utterly disappointed I am in him and how he has alot of explaining to do, so when he got home I asked him and thank God(unless he's just lying to cover his ass) he said he just got it from a friend who got the vaccine and tried to used it to get into jiu-jitsu(that requires the pass) but it didn't work but thankfully in the meantime they don't care anymore anyway so he can still go. Oh, what a relief!  At dinner time last night the 22 and 25 YR olds and their BF's also arrived but they all just went right upstairs without even saying hello to me and I still haven't seen them yet as they're still sleeping and not only that but they never even bothered to open their Christmas gifts or stockings either or eat the Christmas dinner we had saved for them,either,so it's a good thing that we didn't actually post-pone Christmas itself like my mother was originally going to do until they arrived or it would have been ruined. It's like I always say; DON'T ever depend on other people or you'll always end up disappointed; just do your thing and either they show up or they don't. It was rude though and I couldn't help but feel miffed even though I told myself ahead of time that I wouldn't let anything they say or did or no matter how inappropriately the girls were dressed "get" to me, that I would just ignore it and keep any negative thoughts or comments to myself.

The plan is to wait for the 20 YR old when she's free today to join in via video chat for the gift opening, so that's 2 days after Christmas, and I don't know who made them decide that exactly when it's our house and they're the guests but it's always been like that; the kids decide on something and my hubby always goes along with it; it's like they are the parents and we defer to them, and when I mentioned to my mother how the 25 YR old always gives gifts to everyone except me she asked if I give her one(as always turning it around onto me, making me at fault and blaming me) and I always used to but finally after years of her shit I decided f*ck it; if she treats me like this I'm not 'playing nice' anymore; f*ck her! and last year the 18 YR old never gave me anything either and maybe this year none of them will,who knows, and I dedicated my life to raising and homeschooling them but once they grew up and didn't need me any more and had no more use for me they just threw me away,and my mother also excused her as She does her own thing, just like you do except I don't purposely exclude people and be mean like that, I'm just a free spirit and don't go along with the crowd. Now we have company over I also have to remember to close the bathroom door when I'm in there,too, and I wouldn't be surprised if this is the last Christmas for both Buddy and I either.

I also got another Facebook ban, this time for 90 days, they put my posts lower on the news feed for posting "false information", this time for saying that the COVID vaccines aren't effective, even though they aren't, otherwise why are fully-vaccinated people STILL getting COVID and I heard as well on the train to Montreal vaccinated passengers actually had to wear yellow stickers on their lapel to show they've been vaccinated, eerily similar to the yellow stars Jews had to wear in Nazi Germany(I kid you not) and around 5 pm Christmas I was out the back smoking weed and a neighbour saw me out there and I can just imagine him thinking I must have to toke up in order to be able handling having Christmas dinner with my family and we ran out of milk too which we need to make the mashed potatoes but luckily the corner store was still open so Christmas dinner was saved, and I think it's creepy and weird too how my mother even puts stockings out and gives gifts to the girls' BF's too when they're not her grandchildren or even part of our family and BF's(like GF's) come and go and I just think it's kind of weird, and I bet too if I was ever taken hostage my family would actually pay the kidnappers to keep me, and Buddy was upset when I was in the bath and he couldn't find me( as he always follows me around everywhere and is by my side and always has to know where I am) as he couldn't track the scent when I was in the water, and my friend D(from grade 6) and his GF also posted COVID tests on their Facebook on Christmas and someone joked Are you guys pregnant? even though they're in their 50's and my prego FB friend has a fibroid over her cervix too and needs a cesarian so the lucky girl gets to totally bypass the torture of labour entirely!

A psychologist also said to be happy and stable you need to have 3 things in life: autonomy and a sense of control over your life, a feeling of accomplishment, and a connection to other people and I assume she meant all 3 and I don't have any of them, not even 1 or 2, so no wonder I'm such a mess and in such bad shape, and I saw these guys have the surnames Butt, Asser, and Assman too and it's the funniest thing ever! I'm sorry for laughing but can you just imagine having those last names?

I'm tired of always getting excited or looking forward to something and just always getting disappointed.

 

Chuckle For The Day.

 

Something For Sunday.

I still carry the scars from the bullying in Jr. High.

I still would!

Dumb rednecks and mindless sheeple.

The Jews in WWII ,Blacks in segregation and Apartheid, and the unvaccinated now....