Daily Musing.

Prozac.

I do my pills in a container that has a separate compartment  for each day and it lasts for a week so I only have to sort them all out once a week instead of daily like I used to. It just saves time and hassle but my brain is addled ( from my diagnosis of White Matter Decline I got from my MRI although my hubby still likes to blame on Stoner Brain and says it's from smoking so much weed even though it started even before I even started my medical marijuana 6 YRS ago) and I often get confused and forgetful and mix them up, like the time my BP pills got hidden and I hadn't been taking them for something like 3 months, or other various times I forget, skip, or even double pills, and I noticed the other day as well there was only one Prozac pill in there when there's supposed  to be 2 for each day as I'm supposed to have 40mg a day up from 20 mg. Ooops! I checked for the rest of the week and it was the same and not just an oversight the once for the one day but repeated every day for the entire week so I had to add an extra pill in for each day but I went something like 3 days with one less pill before I even noticed it. I do dumb shit like that all the time. My brain is shit and I get so mixed-up, and I often walk into a room and forget what I just went in for, put food on/in the oven and forget about it, forget where I left something, have no short-term memory at all; it's getting really bad. It's like I have Alzheimers or something. It probably also doesn't help that I often hit my head on things too, like yesterday I whacked it hard on the shade roof outside as with no sense of perception I always think I have more space around me than I actually do and things are closer than I think they are and I'm always hitting my head on things and bumping into stuff.

My abdonemal and lower back  and flank pain on the right side( right kidney area) is also soooo bad lately( it's been extra bad daily for the past 2 weeks now) as well as stomach pain now too it often wakes me up during the night and hurts so much it makes me feel like I'm going to throw up, and I can't help but wonder if it's my right kidney or appendix the most likely suspect based on the location, although it may also be my liver as I have pain below my right ribs, and I have headaches alot lately as well although not migraines like I used to have; they feel different, and I also feel really dehydrAted and thirsty so I suspect most likely kidney issues, and I got a flashback memory the other day too of my childhood I had forgotten about of my mother when I was growing up always telling me I had to have bangs with my hairstyle because I have a 'high' forehead and had to keep it hidden, inferring that it was something ugly and unattractive that needed to be hidden, making me feel ugly and unattractive right from an early age, that I wasn't 'good enough" or pretty and it also hurts to realize that even as a child no one ever said What a pretty girl! What a beautiful child! because I wasn't. I never was. I was always  the Ugly Duckling although in my case I never did grow up to be the Beautiful Swan like I was hoping; I just stayed ugly.

While my hubby was out yesterday I also had him pick me up some baby oil as I was running out and I need it to make my suntan oil I add iodine to but he got the wrong one; he got one with aloe and vitamin E added instead of the usual original formula so, of course, it may alter the chemical reaction with the extra added ingredients and not work so I can't use it(I can still use it as an after-bath moisturizer, just not as a suntan oil) so I told him he had to still get the right one and he refused( even though he was the one that screwed-up) and tried to excuse that it was the right one(rather than to admit he made a mistake because he thinks he's perfect) saying they just changed the label; now it's green instead of pink and that's how they make it now(adding aloe) etc....HA! Nice try,asshole, but I know it's the wrong one! He's the one that gets the wrong thing yet he gets mad at me  for getting mad he didn't get me the right thing? Somehow that's my fault and now he refuses to get the right one? What a jerk-off!

I also finally solved the mystery of our invasion of the swarm of flies: the kids left garbage bags in the house full of rotting garbage instead of putting them outside for some reason and they have been festering in here and this morning I saw a bunch of maggots oozing(yes, literally oozing would be the best term to describe it) out of one of the bags squirming and wriggling on the carpet (ewww!!!) so that's it! Maggots are fly larvae and when they mature they turn into flies, and so that's where all the hundreds of flies suddenly came from; from all the hatched maggots! The kids are such pigs! I also saw someone post about Canada Day tomorrow how it's the "best" country in the world and their favourite country, etc.(ugh! Gag me) and I added, Not for me; Jamaica is my spiritual home! it also seems hypocritical and ironic to me too how people say it's oppressive that in Saudi women are forced to wear hijab and how it's mandatory.....yet there are now some places here where wearing masks is mandatory too due to the "pandemic" so what's the difference? mandatory is mandatory; oppression is oppression, taking away freedom is still taking away freedom. I have never worn a mask and I never will. it's just stupid and I refuse to be a Sheeple and mindlessly and blindly follow the herd and give in to media-fueled paranoia and fear. I will NOT be mandated and I will not conform. I am a free-spirit and free spirits have to soar, not be constrained.

Chuckle For Today.

Yay!

Yay! Buddy seems to be feeling better, or at least yesterday he was anyway, unless he was just having a good day, but after not eating for 3 days yesterday his appetite was back and he ate everything in sight! he ate 2 plates of chicken, 2 slices of cheese, a hamburger patty and whatever he mooched off my hubby and I when we ate! He'd told me before his mouth hurt so it's hard to eat with a sore mouth so hopefully it was just a rotten tooth or something that's better now( that might also explain his fetid Death Breath as well) but I was really worried not eating for 3 days and just sleeping all the time  that he was approaching death as with a terminal illness that's what the body does; it shuts down and doesn't require food and you stop eating and sleep all the time, and last year he did tell me he has cancer and he is 14 afterall, which is old for a dog, and would make him like in his 90's in human age. 

I'm just so glad and relieved to see he's feeling better now and perking up and eating again. I was so worried and so scared I really thought it was the end and I was losing him. He's like my adopted child but I love him as if he were my own, and, in fact, he loves me more than my own kids do,and I love him back accordingly, and to lose him would utterly destroy me. I am grateful for each day now that I still have with him and I just take each day as it comes and enjoy each day we still have together. It feels like our days are numbered and we are living on "borrowed" time  and every morning I wake up and see he's still there alive beside me I breathe a sigh of relief and gratitude and I praise and thank God for yet another day I get to spend with him. There will never be another dog( or friend) like him.

I was also thinking the other day how much my life has changed since we no longer have $$$. We used to be well-off but not any more, not for YRS, not since the economy crashed and my hubby lost alot of $$$$ in stocks and the gov't stole alot of my $$$$ and my mother retired and we lost an entire salary, etc. and back then I'd go to the pricey cosmetic counters in the malls and buy expensive beauty products and walk away with a small fancy bag with 150$-200$ worth of face creams and cleansers, etc. from Estee Lauder, Chanel, Elizabeth Arden, Shiseido, etc. and now I make do with the 10$ face creams from Nivea and the 12$ body lotions from Wal-Mart or the drugstore, and I used to buy 100$ clothing+ apiece  every week at the shopping malls and now I just get discount stuff at cheap prices at the CNE and I used to shop at exclusive baby boutiques and children's shops in the city for the kids' clothes where one infant's outfit cost 95$ and now the youngest gets his clothes second-hand at the thrift store( the others work and buy their own clothes now) and I used to buy the pricey 30$ shampoo at the hair salons and now I just get the 3$ ones at Wal-Mart along with the 2$ deoderant....Life has changed so much. My life isn't the same anymore. I don't even recognize my life or myself anymore.

Today's Thought.

No Pool.

I asked my mother and hubby when we're opening the pool this year, if after Canada Day(We usually do end of June or early July, once it's really hot) and they stunned me by saying we're NOT opening it at all but keeping it covered up; that it costs too much and I'm the only one that uses it anymore and it's not worth all the expense just for me anyway even though that's all I have for the summer( that plus the CNE ( the "Ex") but with the "pandemic" that got cancelled,too) so now it feels like my entire summer got taken away from me. It costs around 300$ for the guy to open it for the season and 200$ or so to close it and about 5000$ (or so my hubby says anyway but I don't really believe him and highly question that as that seems excessive and extreme) to run it for the 2 months with all the chemicals. I'm floored. So that's it. No summer for me. My summer's been ruined. Cancelled. This is the worst summer ever.

My first sunflower is starting to open too but it's such a puny little thing, so small just the size of a marigold. Everything this year is just a bust. I also can't help but notice as well every time I go outside and sit at the front on the porch my mother goes inside and only when I go inside does she head outside; it's clear she's obviously avoiding me and doesn't want to be out there or inside when I'm in the same space and it hurts how she doesn't want to spend any time with me or talk or socialize and purposely ignores me and it's the same if she's in the livingroom and I come in she'll leave. She also knew I was eagerly awaiting my fave. chip truck to open for the season to get poutine as they make it the best I've ever had anywhere and the other day she comes back from an outing with onion rings from that exact same vendor and didn't even bring me back any poutine, knowing quite well I had been waiting all winter for them to open and not only that but she even TOLD me where she had been, just to rub it in! Why didn't she just NOT say anything  at all then so I'd never know? She just did it to be mean. Good news though,too: the 19 YR old got another scholarship again for her second year at school!

I also saw a big penis drawn in the middle of the road yesterday morning and it made my day,I laughed my ass off and I would have taken a photo of it but I didn't have my camera with me, and I woke up at 3 am to find a note taped to the bathroom door saying Do not use! No water. but it was the middle of the night and I was half-asleep and really had to pee so I was just like F*ck it, I don't care, I have to pee! and I'm not staggering all the way downstairs to another bathroom and risk falling down the stairs so I just went anyway only I just didn't flush but closed the lid to contain the smell and when I got up 3 HRS later I peed again and tried the flush hoping the problem resolved by then and either it did or it was just a prank the kids pulled on me because it was fine. I'm really worried about Buddy too; for the past 3 days( today is day 4) he's hardly eaten and all he does is sleep all day and I fear he doesn't have too much time left and he's in palliative care now and he told me his mouth hurts and I hope it's just a sore tooth but I have a bad feeling it's more and he did tell me last summer he has cancer and it's been a year now....I even tried hand-feeding him and feeding him with a spoon but he just turns his head. he even refuses all his fave foods and all he would take is water and a few licks of applesauce off my finger but he can't sustain himself like that for long and I know the death process the body starts to shut down and not require food and you stop eating just before....I can't lose him, he's the best thing to ever happen to me and the one that not only loves me the most but most importantly that will never stop  loving me, unlike everyone else I have ever loved that has eventually grown tired of me and walked away and abandoned me. He's honestly the biggest influence in my life and all I have to keep me going and without him I will be utterly desolate, lost and alone.

I also have this what I call my "bubble" that I escape to to get away from all the stress and pain in my life where I float away into my head imagining Buddy and I are safely contained in this clear sound-proof, shatter-proof "bubble" and it has soft shag carpeting and we just snuggle up there and I can read, listen to music, smoke weed,pray, or feel the warmth of the sun  but we're safe there; no one can hurt us there; we're safe and cozy and protected from the world and from bullies, hate, insults, mean people, ridicule, worry, stress, fear, trauma, family, etc, all the things that cause me anxiety where I can float away,detach,disconnect, and escape for a little while and just leave the world and my life and myself for awhile and be free.

Daily Truth.

Ponderings For The Weekend.

It's a very versatile word.

Only those that watched 80's horror movies will get this.

Ahain, 80's referrence.

Just to be mean scroll down so he goes down.