Methinks.

May no one ever have to find out what they would have done in your place.

I’m choosing hope over fear.-Matthew

Love is my religion.-Lenny Kravitz

You can't stop Rock & Roll.-Twisted Sister

That is why the world is filled with evil and evil people; they haven't come to God."-James Hu

A part of me will always love you, just quietly, from a distance.-Leftturnsents

Slept the deepest sleep — the kind that only comes when fear finally lets go.-Maiz

 

Musing For Today.

 

Surviving.

This is one of my fave. photos of moi from 2 years ago where I actually look half-decent.

I get a little break this weekend as the 31 YR old is with his GF at her parents' house in Kingston. They took the train up last night as my hubby needs the car except he didn't go to pickleball this morning like usual as he feels sick; he was barfing last night and he still feels all sweaty. I wonder if it was maybe from that pizza he had last night? Or perhaps a virus? I also had a Hawaiian pizza but since I can't eat pork I picked all the ham off and gave it to Beja so it was just a pineapple and cheese pizza. I also left my patio cushions outside from the morning into the afternoon(I never leave them out all night because the raccoons mess them up)....but it rained....heavy,too,....and they got all soaked,

F*ck!

I'm still so tired,too, last night I fell asleep listening to the Heavy Metal radio show and missed the last hour and this morning I slept in late, for the first time in I-don't-know-how-long- past 7 am! I'm also still really dizzy, off-balance, brain-fog, slow-thinking,etc. so maybe I have brain swelling or brain damage(more than usual) as a result  of trying to "eliminate" myself 2 days ago or the effects just take a few days to wear off?

I'm in you, you're in me I'm in you, you're in me 'Cause you gave me the love Love that I never had Yes, you gave me the love Love that I never had.-Peter Frampton

This is also a fave. photo of me when I was in Kindergarten and I still remember how much I loved this outfit and my aunt's garden but notice how I wasn't smiling as this was the time I was starting to be molested, which lasted for 8 years. I also noticed for the past several weeks the lymph node on the left side of my neck is enlarged and swollen but not on the right side, and it hurts how Beja always follows the 31 YR old around,happily wagging his tail, and sits with him and ignores me and when he leaves he just sits around moping.

I wish he could love me like that,too.

I also always thought I would die before my mother as well since my health is worse than hers; she just had diabetes but was ok otherwise and I still can't believe she's gone. It'll be 2 years in December. She seemed fine and I'd just visited her the week before  and then all of a sudden she had trouble breathing and was sent by the LTC home to the ER(against her will) with very low oxygen and low BP and needed assisted breathing and vasopressors, etc. with an infection(when they put the catheter in and so much thick white pus oozed out I knew, either bladder or kidney infection) that turned to sepsis and then cardiac arrest 3 weeks later, but maybe she needed those 3 weeks to prepare herself spiritually  and for us to get used to the idea and accept that she was dying?

Sometimes we do not understand the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.-Alex

 

Daily Truth.

 

Immortal.

Yesterday the 31 YR old and his GF went out for a walk and left the door open and Beja ran out after them but luckily I was in the living room at the time getting ready to watch the news and saw, so I ran out after him and he was running alongside them all the way almost past the neighbour's house and his excuse was "He wants to come with us" and I scolded it was careless and dangerous to have him just running loose on the street like that without a leash and he could easily have run off onto the road and been hit by a car but he was clueless and didn't see my concern.

I know he's an adult and I can't tell him what to do anymore but when he's in my house he should respect my rules(and that incl. keeping my dog safe) and if he won't then he has to find somewhere else to stay.

I've had enough of him and I'm done.

So last night I tried again.

I swallowed a couple of handfuls of pills, Trazadone and Benadryl.....but nothing happened.

As usual.

As always.

Just MY "luck."

The only effects were I slept really well(and right thru the night!)  and peed myself during the night and today I'm really dizzy and stagger around like a drunk ,blurry and double vision, brain fog,and my blog took more than twice as long to do.

Why can't God just take me and let me die? Why does He insist on prolonging my suffering? 

My guess is He must still have plans for me, but what?

I must be immortal I've survived (it must be close to 10 now) so many suicide attempts despite my best efforts.

But why?

Seriously God, what the f*ck?

I'm  sure his GF stayed the night again as well, esp. since he sneaked her out this morning just past 8 am thinking I woudn';t notice but I notice and know more than he thinks  I do,despite knowing how I feel about it, making me feel powerless and helpless in my own home, total disrespect and ill-regard for my feelings and the rules in my house and my hubby said he'd give him a "warning" which I doubted he'd actually do but he DID talk to him and at least this weekend he's going to be staying at his GF's  which is good....but what about the next 3 weeks or so? How am I going to ever get thru that?

 I tried   once again to remove myself from the equation but it never works.

Killing myself would also be my final act of love and doing everyone a favour as well as they'd be happier and better off without me.

Aiiiii, Chihuahua! 😂

The 31 YR old also said his GF never wants to have kids and neither does he so it works out; the problem would be if one wanted them and the other doesn't or if one changes their mind sometime later on,  and Beja is still mine even if I'm not his.

Even if I never was.

It's just the same old story; I love someone more than they love me.

Sometimes a painful ending can lead to a beautiful new beginning.-FeelGoodTales

 

Weekend Words.

We were warriors.

Order, fairness, safety, justice. Most of the time we get that. Plenty of times we don’t. It’s an illusion.-NH

It was always written on my report card,too: "Talks too much in class."

I wanna go back And do it all over But I can't go back I know I wanna go back Cause I'm feeling so much older But I can't go back I know.-Eddie Money

But on my tombstone when I go Just put "Death by rock and roll".-The Pretty Reckless

There are 2 versions of you and your life: the one the world sees and the one that you see

Kiss mi ras.

Mr. cab driver f*ck you, I'm a survivor.-Lenny Kravitz

Like love and happiness.

I'm sorry, so sorry I give my life a try Forgive me, forgive me I didn't say goodbye So it's goodbye (bye, bye).-Ozzy Osbourne

Can't change me, can't change me No matter how you try You break me, forsake me Right now, I wanna die.-Ozzy Osbourne