Life Is Still Unfair.

If you look closely you can see the squirrel perched up on the fence Beja is looking at. We got to be outside for a long time today before it pored rain later on. It also got up to 21 C and yet tomorrow only getting to a high of 5C and-gasp!-maybe even going to snow  on Monday! I also finished watching all the new Malcolm In The Middle re-boot episodes( they only had 4) and he's still an asshole and ashamed of his family  as they're loud, weird, and dysfunstional (like us) even though(also like us) they're good people who love their kids and I can also TOTALLY sympathize with his dad,too, I feel the exact same; once the kids grew up he had no purpose or meaning in his life anymore and no one needed him anymore and he didn't like them as adults. The original show also had the tag-line Life is unfair  and now it's Life is still unfair.

I love it.

Today when I wiped my ass I also saw blood -bright red- blood( meaning it's "fresh") and it was quite alot of it as well plus a few clots,too, and it was 3 toilet papers.....

My abdomen also feels all warm & crampy like with bad period cramps.

oh, f*ck, what now?

I wonder if maybe what I thought  was just a pulled muscle in my back yesterday was maybe actually something else, something else torn or ruptured and the ass was just an exit? Maybe that's why I'm also so dizzy, from blood loss?

Or maybe it's just my Diverticulitis again; maybe some the sacs are inflamed or infected, or I have more colon polyps like I've had twice before( and had removed) or it's colon cancer?

Either, way, f*ck.

I was originally going to post this tomorrow but decided to do it tonight instead just in case I slowly bled to death during the night.

At least if so you'll know why.

My hubby also has this idea in his fat head to move to London "For the future grandchildren" thinking the almost-30 YR old and his fiance will have a baby soon even though they've been together for 8-9 years already and "can't" get married until his parents die( his dad's still alive now) as they're devout Jehovah's Witnesses and they don't want to get dis-fellowshipped for associating with him if so, but I don't even think they'll be having  kids ; the trans-thing for one thing; being a trans man why would he want to do a female  thing like get prego and give birth, and even if he did( I know this whole thing is just so weird) he likely couldn't because the testosterone would stop ovulation(plus his "fertile window" is also narrowing with age) and even if it didn't the baby would likely end up deformed from the hormones. 

 I also smoked some good weed today and had a hallucination of "Carla" from Scrubs as a Chihuahua, and I'm also NOT the only  one now that thinks Trump could be the Anti-Christ although I also expected that the Anti-Christ would  be much smarter.

I also found this long grey hair only it's not mine or my hubby's(it's way too long) so is it my mother's? Is it somehow possible that she visited from the Other Side and left it behind?

The moment he arrived, he chose her. Curled up on her chest like he had always belonged there. Like he knew. Now the silence is gone. Replaced with soft breaths, tiny paws, and quiet companionship.-Luna Grace

 

Daily Musing.

 

Croak.

Yesterday I just hurt sooooo much and felt sooooo bad I honestly thought I  was going to croak.

Beja could tell I hurt and knew something was wrong,too, and he was worried about me and kept coming up to check on me all day and give me kisses. Wasn't that just so sweet? When I woke up from my afternoon nap I had that same blinding splitting headache like that woke me up in the morning and I was sooooo dizzy with I could hardly stand up and I was nauseated as well. I wonder if I maybe DO have a brain tumour or perhaps it's a stroke or aneurysm coming on? Then on top of that( as if that wasn't bad enough) I also bent down to pick something up.....and put my back out *REALLY*  bad, a ripping, searing, white-hot pain and I'm pretty sure I pulled a muscle because now every time I even move( try to stand up, change position, lay down, sit up, walk, bend over, turn in bed, etc.) the pain is just so unreal I wince and grit my teeth and suck in my breath, scream,you get the idea). My hubby says as long as I hurry up and die before September(when my life insurance expires) he can not only sell the house and move into an apt but even retire 3 years early, too. I also get sad whenever I see commercials for the TV shows Chicago Wednesday(Med, Fire, and PD) and Law & Order Thursday  because my mother used to always watch them and she's gone now.

I also wonder if my need for daily naps(due to my extreme fatigue and not being able to get thru the day without it) has anything to due with menopause or just my constant ongoing chronic and worsening medical issues as I noticed I've had it for the past 6 years now ever since I had my hysterectomy and thus the beginning of menopause so it makes me wonder if there's any connection or if it just happened at the same time? I also wonder if maybe my BP was really high, yesterday to explain the headache, like 200-over something like my worst has been before but it was "just" 144/82 which for me really isn't too bad and 82 is actually kind of low, so it wasn't that, and Beja and I got to be outside yesterday again and I heard a chickadee and it made me smile, reminding me of being at camp and the cottage as a kid, and the Ontario premier also bought a private jet( a used one, but still) for 30 million$$$ that taxpayers pay for but why can't he just fly commercial like the rest of us? 😠

Tho' I keep searching for an answer, I never seem to find what I'm looking for Oh Lord, I pray You give me strength to carry on, 'Cos I know what it means To walk along the lonely street of dreams.-Whitesnake

 

Thought For Today.

 

Gracias A Dios Por Mi Mija.

Thank you God for my sweetie.

I just LOVE Beja soooooo much!

He is my Cuddle-Bug, Snuggle-Bug, Hug-Bug, and Love-Bug. We got to be outside yesterday again and I also got more weed as I noticed I only had 6 doobies left. My bath-bombs also finally came( shown below)  and some of them have such funny names like Sex Goddess  and Unicorn Poop and the flies are back and that's the only thing I don't like about the warmer weather: all the bugs!

I also have this big really itchy mosquito bite on my ass,too!

Yesterday my stomach & abdomenal pain was still soooooo bad plus piercing gas cramps the past few days as well and I wondered what it was I must have eaten and then realized what it was: peanuts. Now something else for me to add to my list of things I can no longer eat because my stupid colon can't tolerate them.This morning I was also woken up by this killer splitting headache and I can even feel "crackling" inside my head and I have blurry double vision and feel nauseated,too.

Just ugh!

My hubby also refuses to believe I have liver, kidney and /or heart issues and taunts I'll "live into my 80s" which I hope NOT despite my chronic daily pain which gets worse all the time and my high BP, ascites, fluid retention and baaaad edema, shortness of breath, extreme fatigue, brain fog, and increasingly bad kidney & liver enzymes every time I get blood work done, etc. I also heard Stairway To Heaven  again yesterday.

I hope and pray daily that I die ASAP.

I'm so sick of always feeling like this.

If I do die soon my hubby can divide out my bath bombs between the girls and my weed to the boys so $$$ isn't wasted at least.

Canada Post  is also planning on ending door-to-door mail delivery soon for "community mail boxes"  you have to walk somewhere to get your mail and so small little boxes packages won't fit so you have to go down to the post office to get, so how do elderly, infirm, housebound people do it?  The Ont. gov't is also now going to allow people to bring alcohol into provincial parks now as well I think is a bad idea since drunk driving is already a biiiiig problem here in this shithole of low-class redneck drunken loser boozers and now it will be even easier for them and increase even more.

Yesterday as I was cooking my rice Pilaf I also noticed something odd in the rice; something long and pink that didn't belong there so I picked it out with a fork and at closer inspection I noticed it was moving....and it was a worm, shown here to prove I'm not lying or imagining it!

Seriously, WTF?

Ewwwwww!!

I didn't tell my hubby until after  he had already eaten the rice since food is just so expensive and we can't afford to waste it and he said I should sue them but he sounds like an American; suing everyone all the time for everything.

 I just figure shit happens(mostly to me).

The 31 YR old also did more exams and got high 90s on them. I have to say I'm impressed and he's doing much much better than I thought he would.

I go outside. I avoid people. But I go outside.-1horsetown

 

Weekend Words.

I’ve learned that it’s best that I work alone, so that I can’t harm anyone but myself when I make mistakes.-Handman

Must be Toronto.

Slava Rossiya!

Anybody else walking around with never-ending grief about the way their life was supposed to be?-Sine

😂😂

The entire world is telling Donald Trump to FUCK OFF and it’s delicious.-CanadaHatesTrump

If I pay you will you tell me what they are?

Not decorating your place is a trauma response. A quiet way of saying, “I won’t get attached to something I might lose." And healing begins the moment you realize you’re no longer just passing through life, you are allowed to settle, and make your environment feel like home.-TheOracleReadsU

We can live beside the ocean Leave the fire behind Swim out past the breakers Watch the world die We can live beside the ocean Leave the fire behind Swim out past the breakers Watch the world die.-Everclear

Nobody talks about the grief of realizing how much life you lost to survival mode.-Libriscent

But now you're gone There's an emptiness closing around me And I can't go on When all I have left is the memory.-Whitesnake