Running With Scissors.(Formerly HippoRastaPotamus): July 2019

In my family I'm treated and made to made to feel like a dog begging for table scraps from my Master, waiting for whatever little crumb they can spare me, whatever piece of crap they don't want they will toss over to me. I am like an afterthought and whatever crap no one else wants or isn't good enough they'll leave for me. Whenever they have pizza late at night, for example, when I'm up in bed (I wake up at 6 am so I'm in bed early) I ask them to save me a piece for my lunch the next day but they usually don't because things like saving,sharing, and being nice are alien concepts to those people, esp. when it comes to me, and when they do it's always the smallest, "runt", the one no one else wants and ends up left over, the "reject", the one that would just get left behind. That's all I deserve. That's all I'm worth.

And they think I should be grateful for it. I should be thankful and be bending over backwards thanking them and with gratitude for the mere crumbs they throw at me and not complain and when I do they belittle me and tear me down that I'm ungrateful and from now on they won't give me anything at all, etc.... as always turning it around onto me, blaming me, like saying that's all I deserve, their left-over inferior table scraps, not the good stuff, not a decent-sized piece, oh, no, God forbid they should treat me fairly, oh, no, all I deserve and should ever get and be thankful and grateful for are their left-overs, their crap. the inferior. second-class crap.

F*ck that! I know my value and my worth, even if they don't and I do deserve more than a dog begging for scraps falling from his Master's table. I treat my dog better than that, to which my mother sneered,You treat your dog better than you treat your family! to which I replied, My dog treats me better than my family does,too!

If reincarnation is real and I ever get another life to live all I want and ask is that next time around I'm NOT ugly, and that I have happiness and love, and a dog just like Buddy. I also hope Heaven is the opposite of what my life experience here has been like: I want to be surrounded by love, peace, a sense of welcoming, belonging, brotherhood, friendship, acceptance, unity, faith, happiness, joy, freedom, where I don't feel unloved, worthless, not good enough, outcast, unwelcome, hated, rejected, etc....

Our black walnut tree in the backyard has also matured and has fruit for the first time so I estimate it must be 5 years old or so. I remember when it first started growing; I assume a squirrel must have buried a nut and it grew because no one planted it. I've seen it grow right from the beginning from a little sprig into a tiny sapling into this bigger tree and full-size it will be massive and towering, as big as or even bigger than a maple tree one day. My mother hasn't heard back about her X-rays either and this is the second week so either the results were normal or the doctor's away on vacation, and I was out the back smoking up and the 24 YR old came out and I offered him some ( because I'm the Cool Mom like that) and so we did (I also did with the oldest a few years ago when he was 26 and he said it's Every kids' dream to get high with their parents) and when my lighter ran out he quietly went to the corner store and bought me a new one without even being asked. Wasn't that nice? Unlike the others which are assholes to me, he's actually nice to me. No wonder he's always been one of my favouries.