You Don't Listen!

Yesterday I noticed that the garlic bread had mouldy green "fuzzies" on it so I tossed it out into the garbage can in the kitchen and my mother shrieked loudly at me that the can was full and to put it somewhere else but it was fine and would still fit so in it went and then she was furious and went all ape-shit on me and furiously went over there, yanked it out of the garbage can and threw it across the room! I was like, What the f*ck? You're such a bitch! and she replied You don't listen! You never listen! which is probably her most-used expression she says to me and I told her that I'm a full-grown adult now. I have my own mind, I can think for myself and make my own decisions, and that I don't have to do what she tells me to anymore and that if I had listened to her that 2 of my kids would have died....

Backstory: 

When the 26 YR old was born I was worried that he wasn't thriving. He was my 5th child so I knew what to expect and what was normal. he wasn't gaining weight,and, in fact, was losing weight, and more than to be expected in the first few days( newborns typically lose some birth weight in the beginning) and he was so scrawny he literally looked like a plucked chicken and even though he ate he was always hungry and cried like he was hungry yet he hardly ever peed and his diapers were mostly dry except for some brick-like powdery substance and it worried me he was dehydrated and my mother said I just worry too much; he's small and so are his pees but I knew in my Mother-Heart that wasn't right, that something was wrong; he should be soaking thru diapers, so I had the nurse come do a home -visit and she brought her scale and weighed him over a few days and checked him and it turned out I was right; I wasn't producing enough milk and he was essentially  starving to death so if I had listened to her instead of ignoring her advice and going with my gut he would have died.She should have known better too since she worked in Pediatrics for a few decades,too.

Another time was when the 22 YR old was 7 and he had leukemia. I was getting increasingly worried he had it despite not having the typical symptoms and she said I was overreacting, just a worried mother, he just has the Flu... and didn't think I should take him to the hospital but I kept having these revelations, dreams and even heard literal commanding insistant voices in my sleep warning me that he had  leukemia, and I just felt it deep within my gut and soul and I just knew, so I ignored her and went with my instinct and took him to the ER and I was right and it turned out he'd had mere days to live. Again,I was so glad(and so blessed) that I didn't listen to her. She thinks she knows everything and I have to do what she says, and she also always has to control everything and everyone,too, and she "buys" people's affection with $$$$ and controls them with $$$ too and does things so that they'll like her,to which she curtly replied, Why would I do things so that people don't  like me? That's what you do! such as making special separate meals for the picky eaters that don't eat what's served for lunch or dinner(I just tell them to make their own, it's not a restaurant).

One of the hardest memories I also have from childhood regarding her is my first day of Kindergarten: I was terrified(and using that word would be an understatement) and to make it even worse is that she couldn't even be bothered to take me(on the scariest day of my little life!) to bring me herself; she had my mean aunt take me. She couldn't have even taken one day off work to be there for me. I was so scared I cried and clung on my aunt's legs for dear life and had to be pried off. Even though she was mean to me and normally I would hide from her she was the only familiar thing. I needed my MOTHER and she wasn't there for me.I felt so abandoned, so alone. That really hurt and it's stayed with me for the past 50 years. It also reminds me of a story where Maria Shriver was to interview Fidel Castro only it was to be on her daughter's first day of Kindergarten and so Castro suggested to her that it was important for her to be there and to re-schedule the interview for later so they did and when they eventually had the interview he even remembered and asked her, So, how was the first day of school? and I thought to myself, What a kind Family Man! 

The 14 YR old was also wearing his pants on backwards, our tulips and daffodils are starting to sprout up, my mother's obsessing like crazy to make sure my hubby gets enough and the right turkeys for our Easter Feaster dinner next weekend; she insists we get 4 turkeys and 2 hams even though it's way more than we need, esp. with no company coming this year and she says I want to make sure we have enough. I don't want to have to cut back on a holiday! and I wonder if the itchy rash and hives I get from the sun is some sort of allergy maybe, esp. since the 24 YR old is actually allergic to the sun; she's like a vampire and has to stay completely out of the sun or she gets bad hives all over, or maybe it's a reaction to one of my meds as I know some medication is sun-sensitive and causes skin reaction so it might be that, and the gov't's complaining not enough eligible seniors are getting the Corona virus vaccine( and so far only 11 % of the population is vaccinated) even though they probably don't want to!) and so I wonder what they'll try next to force people, do like a drive-by shooting, only using vaccines, like how they use tranquilizer darts on wildlife? When I said SpongeBob  is also the fugliest most hideous-looking thing ever(with those bug-eyes, buck teeth and spindly legs) the 17 YR old said So you don't like him just because he's ugly?  but it takes one to know one and I'm ugly too so I can say it, and not only is she going to Vancouver to visit her sisters, she's also going to Ottawa in mid-April to see the 21 YR old and London the week after to visit the 24 YR old; she reminds me of a band doing a world tour stopping off in all these different cities! She's not going to Edmonton to see her brothers though so I guess she doesn't care for them too much.

How do I walk away from my life?