The Airplane That Can't Fly.

I overheard part of a TV show my mother was watching today and they said An airplane that can't fly is a failure.... and it got me thinking and reminded me of my own life and of myself'  ; that's what I feel like; that airplane that can't fly. I've always wanted to fly, and, in fact, have spent my entire childhood trying to fly but I never could. No matter how hard I tried, how hard I jumped, ran, flapped my arms, how high I jumped off from, how far of a distance I ran from, how long I practiced, etc. it never worked and the only way I could fly is in an airplane, helicopter, or hang gliding like everyone else. It also is sort of symbolic of me and my life in the way that I am a failure in life; I'm an airplane that can't fly. I was created with all these dreams, needs, desires, wishes, hopes, and dreams in life that never have been and likely never will be fulfilled. Due to my looks, limitations, traumas and other circumstances in life I have been given very little opportunities and choices in life and everything I have ever tried has ended in failure and I have never accomplished anything, amounted to anything, achieved anything, or done anything with my life. All I really ever wanted was to be loved and be happy but for some reason they're just beyond my reach and elusive to me. It's like I want to fly but I'm a broken airplane that can't fly, always held back and now all I am is a broken empty shell of who and what I used to be; my life experiences and traumas have left me broken, damaged, defeated, deflated, and beaten down and I can't fly with broken wings.

 As well, good news! The 17 YR old got accepted into a fashion design school in Vancouver in the fall! The second-oldest( turning 28 this month) also lives there so they can hang out and visit and I know she'll do well and be happy there as she's been sewing and designing clothes and other fashion for years and has a natural talent at it. I was also laying on the couch with my eyes closed with my headphones on listening to music and they must have thought I was asleep as shortly after I walked in the play room and caught the 15 YR old at my computer with my hubby leaning over her saying, Find it! and when I said, What are you doing on my computer? they looked startled and guilty, and she stammered some excuse that she was trying to "prank" me by putting a Dachshund screen-saver on....but I really think they're trying to find my new blog.

Ha ha.

I hope they never find it. I like having something that's all mine,actually, separate away from them, where I can feel free and away from their monitoring and control,almost like a life of my own. I'm jaundiced again as well so my liver must be acting up again, and my foot's been hurting me( the bottom left heel) for the past 2 weeks, maybe even more, and I have no idea why, but it's getting worse and my hubby was chiding me I didn't take Buddy out for one of his walks but just put him out in the backyard to go pee and he was ripping into me how I'm a terrible pet owner etc. even though I'm not, I'm really good to him and I treat him better than some people treat their kids. I rested my foot for awhile and then tried the walk which we did, we went for a full walk but now it hurts so bad I can hardly walk at all. I wonder what it is though, is it maybe even cancer, or something? It is on the same leg where I had that blood clot and ginormous bruise a couple of months ago, if there's any connection, or is it just something like arthritis?

It was funny as well when my mother was at the grocery store: she'd checked all her items out and had them scanned and then walked away forgetting to pay.....and she'd walked out all the way to the parking lot and the cashier was running behind her and finally caught up to her( which shouldn't be too hard as she's an old lady, 77 years old and doesn't walk too fast) and she was so embarrassed. She shouldn't feel bad though; my mind and memory is even worse and I'm alot younger.It's like I have Alzheimers it's so bad. I even leave food cooking on the stove and forget about it.