BITCH.

I was originally going to wait and save this to post tomorrow but I wanted to write it all down now, to get it off my chest, to vent, while it's all still fresh in my mind and heart. I was in the livingroom listening to the radio and my hubby was over there playing Dr. Mario (which he's obsessed with; I swear, he needs rehab for it, he's so addicted, even the kids say so) and when sports came on I paused it (It was on the Google Home device so you can do that) as I hate that redneck stuff and he wasn't listening anyway or paying attention he was so engrossed in his game and then he rips into me screaming at me that he was listening even though he was over there not giving any indication he was even paying attention and  then he acts like I purposely did it just to annoy him because I know he likes it etc,. and rages on and on yelling at me when really it has nothing to do with him and I just  hate that crap and don't want to listen to it and I really didn't think he was even listening and then he yelled I'm mean  and You're a bitch; no wonder you don't have any friends and the kids hate you! and then just to rub it in even more sneered, They LOVE me! For one thing, I do have friends, asshole, they just live far away, and the only reason the kids hate me and treat me the awful way they do is they see how him and my mother  treat me and they imitate it and the only reason they like him so much and not me too is because he's so child-likie, he's a  big immature over-grown Man-Child and  always plays with them and has always been like more like a friend to them than a parent, never enforcing structure, rules, limits or discipline and over-ruling and undermining me whenever I try to, making me the "Bad Guy", so naturally the're going to "like" him more, but I just take my parenting role more seriously and it's not a competition of who they like more.

This is the kind of thing that makes me just want to die. I really need a hug today.(I went out in the blizzard and hit the bong to cheer up) It also not only hurts me deeply that he's so cruel and treats me so badly, but it also messes with my mind because I've been emotionally and mentally abused and "gaslighted" for so long now I no longer know what's actually real and what I've just been "conditioned" to believe due to the abuse and trauma, like after years of abuse and bullying growing up I have been conditioned to believe that I'm ugly, stupid, worthless, unlovable, inferior, etc. it's the same thing now with the way my family treats me; how they endlessly berate, demean, insult, degrade and insult me and drill into my head how horrible I am; is it because I really  and truly am such a horrible, awful, terrible person.....or has all the years of abuse  and gaslighting just made me believe it myself now,too?

 In any case, my own struggles with Asperger's and  mental illness also make it even harder to distinguish which is which as well, and lines become blurred and crossed and I'm often not sure which is which and have a hard time trying to tell between what's real and what isn't; between what the actual truth is(and what others outside the family perceive) and what I've just been lead to believe, think, and how I see myself by the way I've been treated. In any case, it's never been my intention to be mean, to be a bitch; I never mean to be, want to be or set out to be, and it's not on purpose, so if I am then it's unintentionally, so either I'm actually not, or they're the only ones that seem to see it that way or they just say that to break me.....I don't know, living with them and all their mind-f*ckery is all just so confusing as well as soul-crushing and heart breaking. I can't believe that this is my life now. it had always been my dream to have a family but I never had any idea it was going to be like this. This is a nightmare, not a dream, and I often think I should just kill myself and end this miserable existance once and for all and other times I think why should I have to be the one when I could just as easily get in touch with some old contacts from the past and have him taken "care" of, but then I figure he's not worth going to prison over....it just feels like a nightmare I can't seem to wake out of. 

All I want is to be loved and not bullied anymore. Is that really too much to ask?