It's Just Me.

It's been 13 YRS now since my hubby f*cked me and not for my lack of trying; he's just not interested and rejects me. I used to think at first it was because he didn't want to risk me getting prego( although at my age 53, that's not very likely and I had my last child at age 40) but even now since I had the hysterectomy ( NOT for birth control, which I don't believe in; I believe in offering life, not denying it; I had it for the bleeding) and have healed up he's still not interested so I concluded that it's just me. He must just be repulsed by me. I must have gotten too old, too fat and too gross for him and he's gotten tired of me now or maybe before he only forced himself to do IT with me to have the kids but now that's over he no longer has any use for me anymore, or perhaps, he's getting it somewhere else( has a mistress?) and doesn't have to settle for an old fat ugly housewife anymore(even though he's no "prize" himself, either). In any case it hurts to be rejected, even by my own hubby, esp. when he was the only guy to ever show any interest in me, and now even he doesn't want me anymore and I'm so ugly no one else will,either.

I also put a video of my cool new Bob Marley lava lamp up on Facebook and I had the radio playing in the background which I thought nothing of until they sent me a notice my video had been censored; the had to mute it as you could clearly hear the music playing  and it violated copyright laws....WTF? Really? Are you kidding me? I also often imagine( and have even had dreams of this,too) my life's a musical and I dance around and sing songs like, I Don't Care! , F*ck It All!,  andThey Can All Just Go To Hell, and my mother always tries to discourage me from going to church every week too, trying to convince me that I'm too sick to go, and the past couple of days it's harder to breathe as well so my guess is either something with my lungs or heart and I'm excessively thirsty too so maybe my failing kidneys....

I also realized with my hysterectomy not only do I no longer have Aunt Flow anymore (Yay!) with no cervix I also won't need anymore Pap tests,either(Yay again) and I'm  always so sickly, lethargic, fatigued, exhausted, and weary lately too I'm like a cat: curled up on the couch and sleep most of the day, and yesterday Buddy kept staring intently ahead looking at something that wasn't there, or at least that I couldn't see and I wonder if it was angels(and he wasn't barking, so it wasn't anything bad), and I like to think that it was, but I just hope that it doesn't mean he's dying (and he was extra attentive and cuddly too, almost as if he was saying goodbye) soon and when he does die, I'll die too because we're so connected, and with him gone there'll be nothing left for me anyway as he's the only one that loves me and my only companion, and ally in this family, and the only reason I get up each day, the only purpose and meaning in my life, the only light, joy and love in my life; without him I'llhave nothing and be lost and all alone.