The Biggest Scare.

This morning as we were waking up I got the biggest scare: Buddy laying beside me made this noise like he was going to barf so I picked him up and I then heard loud gurgling sounds coming from deep withinside him and he went all floppy and his eyes glazed over and he wasn't responding,; his eyes weren't focused and he didn't wag his tail when he heard my voice like he usually does; he just laid there all floppy, with shallow breathing and I cuddled him close, certain he was dying as I have seen dying before( and more than once, and it's heartbreaking and you can see the life draining out of their eyes and can litterally feel the moment the spirit leaves the body) and I know what it looks like and I was so broken and I cradled him in my arms and bawled like a baby, stroking his fur and burying my face into him, begging him not to go, or to at least take me with him and not leave me here all alone, and praying like crazy and after about 15 minutes he just....I can't even explain it....."perked up" and came out of it and literally shook himself off and jumped down off the bed ready to start the day, ready for his morning walk, much to my delight, as if God restored him, and I was ever-so-grateful and happy, but cautiously optimistic(and I'm thankful for however much time I still have left with him, be it a few hours or days, etc.), but what the hell was that? What happened to him? I'm going to be watching him extra close all day today you better believe it and make sure he's always close-by my side where I can keep an eye on him but when he dies my life ends too because he is my reason for living, the one that keeps me going and without him I'd have nothing. When he dies I die too. This may very well be the Final Chapter for the both of us but even now all my life basically consists of is biding my time until I die, waiting to be set free and he is the anchor that keeps me grounded until then, that keeps me from cutting the rope and setting myself free.

.....and now my other big scare that happened later yesterday. The 25 YR old ( who is known for his extreme poor memory and increasing forgetfulness, it's like he has Alzheimers) actually left a frying pan with OIL LEFT ON THE STOVE ELEMENT TURNED ON unsupervised and went to have a shower and no one even knew and the only reason I found out was I had bad abdomenal pain and went in the kitchen to get a pill and noticed it and it had just STARTED SMOKING at that time too so I quickly took it off and put on the fan and opened the back door. WTF? We already had ONE  fire 24 YRS ago; we certainly don't need another one! This has GOT to be the stupidest thing any of the kids have ever done of all-time, even dumber than the time when the 25 YR old was little and the oldest threw him off the roof in a garbage can into the bushes down below re-enacting a Jackass stunt( which ranks as the Second Dumbest Thing they've ever done, although they might tie for First Place) which, of course, I never found out about until just a few YRS ago....

It really does worry and concern me though, his forgetfulness and the level of it and the worsening of it and now it's reached a dangerous point, like my friend C's ( in grade 7) grandmother who had Alzheimers and had to be supervised at lal times and couldn't be left home alone for the same reason as she's leave stuff on the stove and leave; a fire hazard. He laughs it off that everyone forgets stuff and it just happened once, etc. but it's NOT normal to have such memory loss at his age and it's just a normal natural instinct thing to know  automatically NOT to leave a pan of grease left unattended on the stove; you shouldn't even have to remember; to remind yourself, but he didn't have that automatic warning system in his head and it worries me there's something causing it, some medical or physical cause, like perhaps like me with my brain matter deterioration, or extreme stress or depression, or maybe even an injury from jiu-jitsu, or a brain lesion or who knows. I told him he should get it looked into but he says there's nothing they can do anyway but that's not true; it might be a tumour or an injury they can treat or something like Parkinson's they can help with medication. In any case I hope this event was scary enough as a wake-up call to him to alert him into finally seeing something's going on and serious enough to get looked at.

That's it for me today. I've had more than enough stress, worry, fear,and scares for today,and so after all this today I'm going to go outside and smoke weed. I think I earned it, and for a long, long time. I'm still waiting for my real life to begin, you know, the one where I finally find happiness and love and where I'm free and no longer regret being me.

It's better to burn out than to fade away.