Go KILL Yourself!!

Go KILL yourself!!

That's what the 13 YR old raged and screamed at me yesterday. He meant it,too, and when I shot back, I WILL, sometime soon!! he replied, GOOD!! It felt like a knife in my heart. What a cruel, horrible, awful, heartless thing to say to someone, and esp. to someone like me who suffers from depression and mental illness and who is a survivor of multiple suicide attempts. it's just not right. Maybe he's right, maybe I should. No one loves me( except for my dog and God) or wants me around anyway and my family makes my life a living Hell and they all want me gone and everyone would be better off and be happier and we'd all get what we want. I'm just waiting until Buddy dies anyway because I don't want to leave him behind all alone and devastated, lost and abandoned like how I'd feel without him. He still needs me and depends on me but once he's no longer here I'll have nothing left anymore anyway. He's the only reason I'm still hanging on this long.

So, you ask, what caused this in the first place? My mother being a bitch, playing favourites, and not being fair again. She gave 3 pieces of crispy chicken to the 13 YR old and my hubby each, but the 17 YR old only got 2 pieces and I only got 1 but you know how it goes, she feeds the ones she likes  and is generous with them and rips off the ones she doesn't like. I, however, think you should be fair and divide it out equally among everyone so everyone gets the same amount. Her "excuse"? The 13 YR old is a kid and he's growing and I 'act like I'm one of the kids" to which I replied I know I'm not one of the kids but I still am part of this family and I expect to be treated fairly and equally and it's not just the kids; how come my hubby also got 3 pieces when he's not one of the kids(or growing) either and she goes, He works and I reminded her that I contribute too and it's all my $$$$ that pays all the bills so I deserve to be fed and treated just like everyone else and I'm tired of always being like a second-class citizen in my own home, always less-than, inferior, like an unwanted houseguest or squatter that is barely even tolerated, always over-looked, looked down on, always least and last, ripped-off, cheated, given the leftovers, the crap, the least, treated like I'm trash.

After that she goes on to twist it all around like she always goes blaming it on me when i spoke up saying I'm tired of always being treated second-class and she said she's tired of me always complaining all the time! So it's ok to treat me inferior but it's NOT ok for me to say something about it? Then she even had to nerve to say I should be grateful! Grateful?Grateful for what? For being treated like I don't matter? Like I'm trash? Like I'm not part of the family? Like I'm not "worth" what the rest of the family gets? As it turned out it ended up backfiring on her anyway as my hubby was full and couldn't even eat 3 pieces and ended up giving me the extra piece anyway so it evened out and we each got 2 pieces in the end.

So that was it. That was the reason the 13 YR old raged on me. Just seeing her and I fight over her treating me like shit. He saw it all and still took HER side anyway because that's what the kids do; they watch and learn and copy and see how my hubby and mother treat me and that's how they too learned how to treat me by example. They see that's how Mother is "supposed" to be treated and they grow up learning to treat me the same way. I'm worthless, nothing, don't matter or count and I'm to be treated accordingly. The saddest part of it all too is it was always my life-long dream growing up to get married and have kids and it ended up to be a nightmare and one of my biggest regrets in life. It destroyed me.

Be careful what you wish for; you just might get it in the end.