Relevant.

Last night I reminded the almost 15 YR old to have a snack before bed( as he's waaay too skinny and I worry he may be developing an eating disorder like the 18 YR old had at his age) just trying to help(and because I care and it's my job as a mother) and my hubby snarled at me to stop reminding him and I "frustrate" him,etc. Well, excuuuuse me! I was just trying to be helpful, to contribute, to still stay relevant, to be useful. Ever since most of the kids(except for the youngest) have all grown up and left home I don't have any purpose in my life anymore; before my life and identity was defined as a mother and my role was to take care of and organize the family, and that incl. arranging and booking everyone's schedules and reminding everyone of what needed to be done and keeping track of appointments, etc. and it just became ingrained  in me and a part of me, sort of like second-nature, to take care of everyone, and I can't just turn it off; I can't just stop being in "Mother-Mode." It's just who I am  and what I've been doing with my life for over the past 3 decades and yet now I get hassled for it when I'm just trying to help, to contribute,and to stay relevant, doing the same thing I've always done. I can never "win" or please these people. I also don't know what else to do now,either with my life. There's nothing left now. My job is over, but what next? Where do I go from here?There's simply nothing left for me. I can't even travel anymore being banned from leaving the country being unvaxxed as we're still not really free.I don't even feel relevant or useful or needed anymore, like I no longer have any purpose  in life and when I try I just get shot down.

I'm also worried that both  my mother and Buddy haven't got too much longer to live as he hasn't been eating much lately and he sleeps all the time and she's declining as well; spends pretty well all day in bed and she shits herself and drops everything and can't even dress herself anymore with her bad arm and her diabetes is getting out of control and she just seems to be giving up.I wouldn't be surprised if it ends up being the diabetes that ends up killing her and not a heart attack, stroke, or cancer because she's so bad at maintaining it; she just doesn't give a shit and couldn't be bothered and now a few times a day she gets that ketone smell lately. She also thinks I don't take care of her like I should too but the truth is I'm having a hard time accepting it and dealing with it, with her decline and it's really hard on me seeing her like this and I just can't face it and try to avoid it whenever possible because it's too painful for me to see her like this; to see her declining and so helpless and frail.I really don't know what we're going to do when she does die either as we need that income to buy groceries and pay property tax,etc. and without it we're not even going to be able to get by unless my hubby steps up and covers it. It really worries me financially how we're going to make it once she's gone and we're short that income. I really worry for the future and it even keeps me up at night with worry.

"How easy it is to make people believe a lie, and [how] hard it is to undo that work again!" --Mark Twain