I’ve spent a lot of time studying autism, it’s one of my “special interests”.
As I was learning about autism, I tried to determine where Martin stops and autism begins, to find a line in the sand, so to speak. I learned there wasn’t one, at least not a straight definitive one, it’s wavy and blurry because autism is me.
I can see how I “act autistic” and mask those actions, to a degree. But masking who I am doesn't make me happy. I want to perform some repetitive task, by myself or with a couple of trustworthy people, let my mind wander and watch the hands of the clock tick by. Doing so makes me feel good, calm and comfortable, but it’s not a marketable skill. So, I have to climb out of my comfort zone every day, put on a kinda happy face and interact with people in an appropriate well rehearsed routine.
Sometimes I find masking kind of degrading. Our management team recently went through diversity training at work. We watched some videos and were urged to feel comfortable with bringing our “authentic selves” to work every day. I can’t bring my authentic self to work every day. That guy would lose his job with the quickness and I’ve come close on a couple of occasions. Your bullshit diversity training doesn’t account for me. You don’t know how much I wanted to say that, but my smiley mask also bites my tongue.
So, how does it feel to be autistic? When I’m alone, or with the small handful of trustworthy people I know, it feels great, I wouldn't want to be any other way. When I have to mask to fit in with the rest of the world, just so I can play their reindeer games? It feels like shit and I hate you all.
I don’t really hate anyone. It’s just tiring, that’s all.
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