A Really Hard Day.

Yesterday was a *REALLY* hard day to get thru. I called the Community Care Access for my mother and they advised I call an ambulance to transport her to the hospital for a medical evaluation and then if and when she comes home she can receive home care, so that's what I did but 9-1-1 is half-assed just like everything else here; they out-source it to a call place up North who then transfers the call to a local one here(I could hear them exchanging back and forth) which took 30 minutes  so God forbid you have a real emergency like a heart-attack, GSW, or car accident because you won't make it! My hubby was crying when the paramedics came,too, as if he suddenly was aware of how real the situation was and they seemed judgemental to me about the squalid conditions my mother was in even though the Community Care woman on the phone was so nice and said she knows how hard it is for family to try and be caregivers and that I did the best I could and I did the right thing and that I can do this and encouraged me to be strong. They also said we have a "bedbug infestation" too even though I couldn't see anything.(When I got back I threw out all the linen and mattress) I went with her so she wouldn't be alone and scared but they made me wait 2 HRS out in the waiting room before they let me go back with her(and I had to wear a stupid face-diaper still,too!) and I was there 6 hours until we got the test results.

Just breathe.

She had a ton of bloodwork done( which showed a high white count, indicating infection), chest X-ray(checking for pneumonia) and a pelvic and abdomenal CT scan( the same thing I have to wait 3 months for) which really worried me when they took her off for that; I was really afraid they suspected colon cancer which runs in her family, and I was so scared they were going to find she's terminal, but it turns out she has a kidney infection( which is better than cancer!) which can be caused  by high glucose levels (and today it was 17!) which hopefully is the cause  of all of this; the delusions, the lethargy, etc. and when it clears up she'll be back to her usual self; hopefully it's just a "bump in the road" (and NOT the end of the road)and she'll come home and only need Home Care for a short period...so she's on IV antibiotics now( and on admission she also got a regular IV due to dehydration) and got admitted for 1-2 days as it takes a couple of days anyway to arrange Home Care.It was so sad as well she cried  when I left here there (even though I told her I'd be back for a visit today) and she said to me to tell everyone at home  that she loves them( note she never told me that she loves me) and I told her they know.

Just breathe.

I asked them initially about an hour of waiting in Triage for an update and when I could go back and be with her and they said she was "just being assessed" and it would be about 45 minutes so I bought a bagel and a can of pop from the kiosk( that's the only food they sell, plus muffins) and went outside and sat in their courtyard where they had a lovely garden with iris and peonies, etc. and it was exactly  what I needed to calm and "centre" myself, lost in the raging storm, and I have to be strong one last time; I have to be strong for her, even though I have no resources left to be strong for me and have nothing left to give, and I pray for strength for whatever lies ahead and it was a really hard  day to get thru and I'm right on the edge and feel like I'm hanging off the edge of a cliff by my fingertips and I hope the infection clears up and she'll be ok yet part of me also fears the hospital will call and tell me she's died, and it's all just so overwhelming and stressful I can hardly breathe. I also had a massive headache yesterday and was exhausted physically and mentally.What if the infection turns septic?It worried me seeing how her breathing was heavy and "laboured" and her oxygen level was low( 83%; anything below 98-99% is concerning) and her arms were all "mottled" purple, like when you're dying(or have really bad circulation/low oxygen). and I also found out one of my cousins in Europe her hubby fell off his bike cycling and knocked himself out and has a concussion and is in the hospital for 2 days for observation and I went to go tell my mother....and then realized she wasn't here and it made me feel really sad.

Just breathe.

One day at a time.

Ah that's okay, and I'm alright I guess I'll be lost again For one more night Ooh and that's alright, I'm okay I'll wear the albatross For one more day.-Big Wreck