Sad Heart.

Yesterday my mother phoned and now says she's "tired" and doesn't want anyone to visit her(but I'm still going to stop by tomorrow since I'll already be there for my CT scan) and she's still nauseated (the meds they give her don't work)and tired of always feeling like that and she 'wants them to go inside and find out what's going on" and when I first told the 28 YR old she was back in the hospital he cheered, Yay! and it hurts too that she can love my kids  but she can't love me and there was this thing on Facebook  as well that asked, When was the last time someone told you that you were important? and I replied truthfully, Never and one of my friends commented in reply that it's "horrible the way my family treats me and if only my kids knew how much I 'brag' about their achievements on Facebook" but I prefer to see it as updating , not bragging because pride is a sin, but she's right.I've never been important to anyone or mean as much to other people as they mean to me and it hurts. Maybe I'll end up dying of a broken heart because of my sad heart? This morning I even have sharp pain on the left side of my chest, near my arm pit, so maybe.... I also have this painful cut on one of my toes from a hangnail and me going around Hippie Gypsy barefoot all the time( even outside) probably got dirt and all sorts of bacteria and nasty stuff in it.

Sitting outside yesterday I also heard a kid walking by that kept making this funny noise calling out loudly "Caw!!" like a crow and it was really funny and I cracked up, esp. since I remember when I was a kid doing the exact same thing and it brought back happy memories, and I also used to do this funny noise that sounded like a barking walrus and even had the nick-name once The Walrus  (I am The Walrus )but once I got prego the first time for some reason I somehow lost the ability to do it and haven't been able to do it since(and I miss my funny Walrus) and I remember as well in grade 9 ( before I transferred to the good school) the bullies taunted me, I bet she doesn't even know what a stoner is! I bet she probably thinks it's a little rock! if only they could see me NOW! I'd "show" them! I also at first thought the 28 YR old's boss got arrested for soliciting prostitution as I heard a report on the radio the guy had his first name, same age, from this area and I wasn't sure about the last name but the 28 YR old said it wasn't him(different last name) but even if it had been it wouldn't change anything though; everyone has their dark side and he's still been good to him, and one thing I can never understand( as well as math and how anyone can like redneck country music) is crypto currency; I have no idea how that even works! I just don't get it.

This life is a prison for the believer and paradise for the unbeliever. Sahih Muslim 2956