Maya.

Everything is maya, an illusion.

Yesterday, out of nowhere, I got a Facebook message from a friend that used to be one of my fave. Facebook friends and biggest supporter( while I'm used to always being told how ugly, stupid, worthless, etc. I am she'd tell me I'm strong and beautiful and support me,  giving me some confidence,even saving me from suicide) who, for unknown reasons one day suddenly de-friended and blocked me months ago, leaving me puzzled and hurt but I was still able to check up on her posts using another account secretly. She somehow found out I was using the other account(how, I have no idea) and sent me a message saying Say hello to---------(the name of the other account) for me! and she told me the reason she de-friended and blocked me is because I "have a negative vibe" and she "only wants positive people"in her life and she's "not interested in anything I have to say" and that I "don't motivate anyone" and "just show how miserable I am" always complaining and I explained that life is really hard for me and every day is a struggle just for me to survive and she replied, Life is hard for everyone, no validation or support, just being dismissive and disregarding my feelings and reasons for being negative but at least I finally got my answer and it hurts and it's disappointing it turns out she's NOT the good friend I thought she was(but at least it's also not the loss I thought it was) as friends don't just 'drop" friends callously like that and disregard hurting them, and they "take" them and accept them as they are; warts and all ,and don't try to change them,  and it hurts that people always mean alot more to me than I ever meant to them,but at least now I finally have closure and I'm able to release her and let it go.She also has mental illness like I do and I can't help but wonder too if her meds maybe got switched and it makes her "flat" and emotionless now, like my friend G( from Ottawa) who had schizophrenia and he said his meds made him feel "numb" and he didn't like it.

I also visited my mother who saddened me by saying she thought *I* was the one going into the LTC home, and not her, as she said I "have to book my trip before I move into the Home" so she's either confused or in denial, or both, and her crazy room-mate( who looks like an old drunken hillbilly) also had redneck country music blaring and my ears were bleeding so I wheeled my mother out into the garden to visit, not being able to tolerate that crap, and it was raining but I'd even rather get wet than have to be tortured by that(and having to put up with her) and the crazy bitch also scared my mother during the night and woke her up( and prevented her from sleeping soundly as well,scaring her) by sitting in front of her next to her bed all night staring at her, unless she just imagined it! So scary and creepy! I also can't believe she's been in the hospital for 2 months already but honestly it's been a nice break for the rest of us without her here(as horrible as that must sound) but the difference is remarkable  and summer is already half over as well, and without here here hoarding food and stashing garbage under her bed we also no longer have the ants, mice,and flies anymore now,either, and I've lost weight,too, as all my pants waistbands are loose and I no longer have my double-chin or rolls of fat on my back anymore, and it's also sad to realize when I die no one will even miss me except for my dog.

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for.- U2