Discouraged.

I visited my mother yesterday just after the second-oldest did and she tired her out as she kept falling asleep for my visit so I mostly just sat with her. I also painted her nails a shiny silver so she's all fancy for Christmas. I always feel so discouraged  after a visit with her though because after 12 days she still doesn't look or feel any better (I asked her again if she still wants to live and keep fighting and if she'd be ok if they have to put her on a vent and she said yes)and you'd think after almost 2 weeks she'd at least start to be getting better yet still no change. They're trying her off the Bi-PAP to see how she does and the diuretics are working as she's not as swollen and just one of her hands is puffy now and the other is normal( but at least the good is I guess about being swollen and the skin being stretched out so taught and tight is it stretched out all the wrinkles though so that one hand looks all smooth and younger again) and her urine output is good but her BP was high( 170-over-something) and her head was itchy she kept trying to scratch so I scratched it for her, hopefully just from not having her hair washed in almost 2 weeks and not coming from the inside that she's going to have a stroke or something.

I'm pretty sure Buddy also had another seizure yesterday as he made these funny noises( like he was going to sneeze but he didn't)  and arching his head back and had this blank stare and was whining and barking for me so I picked him up and just held him and let him know it was ok and that I was there and whatever it was passed, and as my hubby was driving the second-oldest and I home from the hospital she was telling about some theory about if you're watching a basketball game you wouldn't even notice a gorilla if it ran onto the court as you'd be so focused on the game and I laughed that *I* still would because I'd be so bored (not that I'd ever be at a  redneck sporting event in the first place)I wouldn't even be paying attention to the stupid game anyway and she scoffed, You can be so irritating to talk to!!  which I replied, Likewise! and which I  also thought was just mean and uncalled for, but she's always been haughty and a know-it-all and people just can't seem to accept  the fact that I've always been different (and react differently) than other people and just let me be.  I think it's also time for her to go back home; she's starting to get on my nerves now. Generally I can only tolerate houseguests for a few days, anyway( no matter who they are) before they start annoying me, and even more so if they disrupt my routine or are disrespectful to me, and I think it's "funny" as well that the one that used to be my mother's fave( her) came all the way down from BC for a week to see her and yet her current fave. now( the 17 YR old) who lives here only bothered to visit her once.

As you can see here, the one hand is normal but the other is still swollen. and on the ride home the second-oldest also got out of the car part-way home and decided to walk  the rest of the way back (in the rain,too!) rather than stay in the car the rest of the way with me( what a bitch!) and we've never gotten along but I thought things were going ok until her snarky comment, and walking by the diningroom( where the 30 YR old keeps his lunchpail for work) I also keep smelling weed so I think he must have some somewhere (I'm like a drug-sniffing dog, ha,ha!) and the 17 YR old shot back, You're so addicted you smell it all the time! and I told him, Just because it helps me DOESN'T mean that I'm addicted! just like I'm not addicted to my BP meds,and I *HATE* the shitty way my family always  treats me like shit and I've just had enough and I can't wait until he finally moves out,too.

My family sucks.

My life sucks.

I also noticed this nasty-looking scab with red all around it on my mother's arm from an old IV site, likely infected and it makes me wonder how good they really are taking care of her or if they're just kind of doing the bare "minimum"  just to keep her "coasting" along(and I don't think they really actually care; it's just a job) because she's so old and they're not trying too "hard" to keep her alive and just sort of waiting until she dies, as old people are a "drain" on the healthcare system and the Feds are always pushing for euthanasia...horrifying, I know.

Funny,too: the other day at the restaurant our waitress was named Crystal  and I joked her last name was Meth  and when we got the bill it DID say Crystal M on it so my hubby and I had a good laugh....and then he took out his pen and wrote....eth  after the M  so it said Meth  and actually left it there! I hope she didn't actually see it( and get insulted) but at least I didn't have to see her reaction(and will likely never have to see her again) because I was long gone.

She also has this big bruise on her arm from who-knows-what  and normally I would say the bloodpressure cuff except she has an arterial line that automatically takes her BP so it's not that. and I have this nagging worry as well that the 30 YR old won't be going back to work again after his boss has his knee replacement either but that he'll just decide to retire at that point so he'll have to find another job which will suck because he really loves his job and gets along so well with his boss,not to mention the hassle of finding another job, and it's Christmas a week today and we're supposed to get snow today and on the weekend again and maybe even on Christmas Eve as well( oooh, I sure hope so!) for a White Christmas which I always hope for.

I still laugh remembering as well when the oldest was young how he kept insisting my hubby had a jar full of toenail clippings on a shelf in his home office(I wonder if he still even remembers that?) and he said he didn't but one day he showed me....and it actually ended up to be a jar of sunflower seeds shells! HA! They did look like clippings though so I can see how he thought that!

 I miss those days.

How do you forgive life for what it's done to you?