Shit!
I'm still here.
I tried to "unalive" myself again last night( something like my 7th or 8th attempt over the years, I've lost count) and yet once again it didn't work( I'm such a loser I can't even do that right!) despite taking handfuls of pills, making me wonder if maybe I have some sort of "immunity" or resistance to drugs from being on so many medications over the decades and I have built up a "tolerance?" The only effect was last night I was jittery, restlesss and couldn't sleep and today I'm dizzy, feel "woozy" and stagger like a drunk.I'm beginning to wonder if I'm immortal and can't die? I'm mad though, and even mad at God,too; why won't He just take me Home? Why does He keep me here only to just prolong my suffering and pain? I've had enough and can't do it anymore and I want it over and done with, for ir all to just end, to stop, to just NOT have to live this life anymore, to not be me, to not always have to worry about $$$, being made to feel like I'm piece of shit by my own family, constant struggles and no joy, no future, nothing but stress, and now losing everything,too,etc.
Why?
I don't want to do it anymore.
Does God have something good for me in the future I don't know about He doesn't want me to miss, or what, even though good things rarely happen to me? Am I finally going to get a break?I just want out, for it to all finally end and be over; I'm tired of living this life, of being me, of struggling thru every single day, of no support,(I still remember after a previous attempt my mother scoffed, Why would you do something so stupid ?) nothing but anxiety and worry. I guess I'll just have to try another way and keep trying and keep practicing until I get it right, like I did with my music when I used to play violin. I'm simply not longed for this world and I've had enough and I'm done. On top of our financial worries yesterday the car kept making these "knocking" noises (it is 10 years old) so my hubby took it into the shop with trepidation at the cost...but thank God it was just a small issue with something loose and only cost 50$!
Thank God!
If I'd never seen ya
I could always dream that
I'd be better off alone.-Tragically Hip
Invictus
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
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