Aching Heart.

My heart is aching, broken and shattered

 I miss Buddy so much. He was my entire life and my whole world. 

I feel so alone, empty, and lost without him. I also noticed the 30 YR old kept one of Buddy's toys in his room as a momento and I think it's the sweetest thing; he misses him,too. Today or tomorrow his ashes should be ready to bring back home and I'll put him in the curio cabinet with my mother, on a shelf above hers, along with a photo of him and his leash and collar. My hubby said he can take me to get him ....as long as it doesn't  "interfere" with his physio(for his shoulder) squash or pickleball because, as we all know, things for him always  come first. I don't know how to live without him and I don't want to. 

I just want to die.

I just want to be with him again.

My friend J( from Ottawa) said when his 18 YR old cat recently died he got a new one within a week and that helped with his grief.

I pray to God to either die ASAP....or to send me another dog like Buddy I can love and connect and bond with; the dog I'm meant to have, just like He did with Buddy,(nothing can ever "replace" him; he was one-of-a-kind, but another dog will help heal my heart) and I hope my hubby doesn't refuse or cause me any problem because my very survival depends on it; I really need this if I'm going to make it, and I hope he realizes how important it is to me to have a dog/companion to love and to love me and keep me company and  something to live for and to bring purpose and meaning and love and joy into my life again.

If not....

I just have to keep trying.

Eventually I have to get it right, but hanging is out of the question though because I can't tie a noose and I'm so heavy the ceiling would come crashing down, but maybe I can carbon monoxide myself somehow, or maybe die in the water I love so much?

Yesterday I started looking around online, and even rescues cost over 400$ just for a mutt, plus it's also so intrusive with detailed interview, background check, references, home visit, monitoring,etc. so forget it; it's as bad as adopting a child, so I looked elsewhere, in online classifieds, where I can just get the dog privately and they f*ck off and mind their own business and I don't have to jump thru hoops or pass a "test", and I found a few Chihuahuas(like I'm looking for and had when I was younger and love) and I know God will lead me to the right one at the right time, like He did with Buddy.

Until then, I'm just waiting to die.

I just don't know how much longer I can hold on.

Odd as well: my cousin from Europe also needed a visa to visit USA. We never do, just passport, but when I was younger we didn't even need that, just a birth certificate.

I was inside looking outside Oh, the millions of faces, but still I'm alone.-Foreigner