Dark Empty Hole.

“I loved you your whole life, now I will spend the rest of mine missing you.” - Jay Shipston-Fife

Today has been such a long slow-moving day. I just walk around in a fog, on auto-pilot, no appetite and I'm vomiting and in a daze, and it's hard to believe that yesterday at this time Buddy was still here and now he's not.(He died just before bed last night). Now it just feels so empty, like something's missing and feels like a huge, gaping, raw,  dark, empty hole left behind without him here and now I have no one to share my food with, to dote on, cuddle with,talk to, to keep me company, and I can no longer say ,'Where's my Boy?" when I come home from being out somewhere and he missed me and is all excited to see me again. He's the best dog and the best friend I ever had and also my soulmate and now it feels like part of me died with him and a big piece of my life and my heart has just been ripped out. The oldest was kind though and sent me an e-mail saying how sorry he was and asking if I was ok as he knows how much he meant to me.

He is my life-line.

Sometimes I swear I can still hear the sound of his little feet patter on the floor,too, and I miss his smell and feeling his warm little body  beside mine, and I hope now my mother would have been waiting for him on the Other Side, and this Easter will also be our first one without both her and Buddy and now holidays will never be the same again. I brought him to the pet crematorium today(they generally pick up but are booked until Friday and with decomp he'd be pretty "ripe" by then( they said to just put him the freezer until then but what the actual f*ck so we brought him in and saying goodbye and leaving him there knowing I'll never see him again( until I cross over to the Other Side and we're reunited) just ripped my heart out, and I'm filled with so much sorrow, grief and loss. 

It costs over 200$ and he'll have a little wooden urn with his name engraved on a brass plaque and he'll will be ready for his final journey back home in 2-3 days. I had him wrapped up in a blanket(because he was so cold) like a little wiener wrap. 

I have nothing left anymore now, nothing to live for, nothing matters anymore.The one I loved most and that loved me is gone and he was all I had. He was my everything.

I think I need to go on a trip and get away for awhile to help my heart heal and then I'm going to get a new dog to give me a reason to live again.

I wouldn't be surprised if I die,too, of a broken heart.

My mental illness is so unpredictable, One days things are cool and the next I have to stop myself jumping in front of that bus. The struggle is real.-Your Recovery Matters