Rambling On.

My hubby said Tony The Fence won't be here this week to work on the fence as he as another job to do and he told him it's ok as we've already waited this long so just come when it's convenient for him and I said to him, Why did you have to go and tell him something stupid like that for? He also told me Anna Nicole Smith died, he'd just read about it as if it was recent news and I laughed and informed him it happened almost 20 years ago( duh!) and last night we had another stunning pink sunset again, and I still really miss Buddy and wish I was on the Other Side with him and we were supposed to die together and I wonder why I didn't die with him and why God still continues to let me stay here, left behind suffering, just plodding along day-by-day, just basically waiting to die, when I just want to be set free and my family will also be better off without me,too, and can just start over and have the family they've always wanted without me. I'm grateful for the 11 years I had with Buddy(I didn't get him until he was 8 years old, and my only regret was that I didn't have him sooner so I could have loved him for 8 YRS longer) and it was longer than I thought we'd get I still don't want to carry on without him as he was my only reason for living, my lifeline,my anchor, my joy, the best thing to ever happen to me, my best friend, my soulmate. and nothing is the same without him. Now I'm just waiting and counting the days until we can be reunited again.

I also like this shirt, and the 30 YR old's GF has even more tattoos than I do I think, or at least bigger, all over her entire back and side and taking up most of her arms and upper legs, and I was surprised she was at the dentist yesterday,too, since she has perfect teeth but the 30 YR old said even with veneers (which he said is basically like having glass teeth) you still have to do maintenance on them, incl. regular dental visits, and restrictions on what you can eat, and special ways to clean them, and she has to wear a retainer at night, etc. I was surprised; I thought once you got the veneers you finally got the perfect smile and were done with it, but all this upkeep seems like you're almost a slave to it! He says "beauty takes work" but it seems to me to just  be more hassle than it's worth. It's like a neverending chore you're never done with and that you're beholden to forever, not to mention the lifelong expense!

He also said the reason the kids want nothing to do with me, what made me a bad parent was that I never "connected emotionally" with the kids or "showed vulnerability" and it "traumatized" them, even though I had no idea, but I guess with my autism and bipolar it was possible, although I wasn't aware of it and it certainly wasn't on purpose and I tried and did my best and had good intentions and meant well, and actually him, the oldest, and the second-youngest were the ones I felt closest to! It makes me feel badly, although they also thought that when I took the Wii away from them for 24 HRS for a punishment was "child abuse" too....In any case, God knows my heart and that I never meant any harm and I'm sorry for whatever harm I caused, and I honestly had no idea. 

I just did the best I could, just like we all do, and no one has "perfect" parents.

Or perfect kids.

When we’re born, we look like our parents. When we die, we look like our decisions.-TimHereToo