On My Mind.

The past 2 days I saw the most awesome squirrel(tree rat); it looked like Cookies & cream or an Oreo: it was white with black ears!Most squirrels around here are black or grey. It must be a form of albinism and be related to that blonde squirrel( the colour of yellow straw) I've seen around and yesterday there was also 8 squirrels having a big fight in the tree over something, either fighting over tree territory or over a female would be my guess, and I also heard Stairway To Heaven and today I have The Shits so bad my poor arse is burning and feels like it's on fire, and I also had this weird dream I was to cross a border but they wouldn't let Beja cross and I wouldn't leave him behind so I didn't go and stayed with him, and he gives me a reason to live now Buddy's gone but my spirit still wants to leave my body and be set free and I still miss Buddy and want to be with him but Beja gives me someone to live for in the meantime while I wait. I also wonder if the reason I didn't die with Buddy like I wanted was to "prove" that I still could live without him and love again but now I have I still long to be on the Other Side and other than Beja  I still have nothing else here.

I also wonder if I go away on vacation for a week if Beja will still remember me or forget who I am when I come back, and yesterday my cousin turned 69 so I sent him a message saying Happy Birthday Old Fart and he's the one who needs a kidney transplant and who also forgot to pick my mother and I up at the airport from Russia that one time and who also "teased me something awful when I was a kid" ( his own words) and I also saw a squirrel with 2/3 of his tail missing and only a few hairs on it so I wonder if he was in a fight like one of my gerbils(Moses and Emanuelle; I still remember them) as a kid where one of them bit off half of the other's tail and I had to burn the end with a lighter( luckily we had one for our candles) to cauterize it to stop the bleeding. Israel also attacked Iran who fired back( they're allowed to defend themselves) not wanting them to have nuclear capabilities(even though they do themselves; just like USA, thinking they're the Boss) and so far they've attacked Iran, Yemen, Syria, and Lebanon(not to mention the genocide in Gaza) waging war in the Middle East and provoking everyone and yet still somehow act like they're the "victim?"

The bottom of my foot hurts and I thought I had a sliver or something embedded in it but it turned out to be a wart (so I'm a warthog, ha,ha) and it's Father's Day on Sunday as well but no one ever makes a big deal about Mother's Day so I assume it's the same,  and now there's 225 wildfires across the country (holy shit!) and an Air India plane crashed yesterday killing over 200 people with only 1 survivor on board( it obviously wasn't his Time!) and it made me sad and I can't stop thinking about it and all the  numerous flights I've taken I've never really worried about it crashing( just that they'd lose my luggage) but this is a reminder that it can and does  happen( and a pilot speculated maybe they forgot to open the flaps and it stalled and couldn't gain altitude) and it esp/ made me sad the story of the family on board(parents and 3 kids) that was starting a new life in London but never made it but at least the "good" of it is they all died together, as opposed to having the kids be orphans or the parents lose their kids or only have one survivor and lost the rest of their family. It made me so sad thinking about it it was hard to fall asleep last night. Those poor people.

I felt like an imposter most of my life. Nevertheless, I always had the urge to prove myself. I had the slight hope that one fine day at least one person in my family would praise me and be happy to see me shine. That day never came…-Tim Wiesnerer