Again.

The suicidal thoughts are back again.

I'm just done.

This morning after my hubby did a shit he finished off the toilet paper roll and never even put out a new one and when I couldn't hear him speaking(because my hearing loss) I told him to speak up so I could hear him he didn't bother and just got mad at me for not being able to hear and grumbled, It's like talking to a wall! and I told him I can't help it I'm getting old and my hearing's going and I can't afford a new hearing aid so unless he has 2K laying around  so I can get a new one he can at least talk louder so I can HEAR him and NOT be so dismissive and such an asshole, and he was also bawling me out for doing the laundry this morning when he was having a shower even though it was at my normal time(and he was the one who had his shower late) and I'm the one doing it so I do it on my schedule and when it's most convenient for me and I want to be able to have it ready for the dryer before I go outside so I don't forget about it. I'm just so tired of always being put down and having to barely survive in this toxic family, and he's also always trying to sabotage my training with Beja even,too: an example would be if he stands up at the coffee table I tell him NO but my hubby will encourage him by prompting him, Ooooh, what's that on the table? Doesn't that look good? Go up and get it! He always did the same with the kids,too; undermining my discipline and sabotaging me.

I'm just sick of it.

As well, yesterday the 30 YR old said I can always tell if he's not home because Beja is with me( and not with him) insinuating that he likes him best  and I'm just second choice (which really hurt )because he's not here when really  it's just because he's hardly home much between work and hanging out with his GF so when he is home Beja misses him and is happy to see him and wants to spend time with time( but he's here with me all day) but I'm still his Person(and I'm the one who feeds him, takes care of him, sleeps in bed with him,etc.), but if he is right then why do I even bother  and why am I even still here with nothing left to keep me here or left to hold on to anymore? 

No one will ever love me like Buddy did,either, and there was never any question or doubt where HIS loyalties lay ,who he loved the most,or who his fave. person was.

I was his and he was mine.

Last night Beja also kept hopping off the bed(he's not allowed to do as I don't want him chewing on or pissing on my stuffies) so I kept waking up and didn't sleep much).

F*ck it all.

My hubby actually didn't go to pickleball yesterday as it conflicted with chess but he went this morning and I saw the exact same bed I got Beja online too and it cost twice what I paid at Wal-Mart  and my right side pain was soooo bad as I lay in bed as well it made me gasp(I wonder if it could maybe even be Peritonitis?) and I practically saw stars and I thought Oh, boy, this is it....but then it passed and I heard Stairway To Heaven on the radio again at 4 am and I also noticed much less 4July flag-waving nationalism posts from USA online yesterday than I usually do; I guess now they're embarrassed by Trump and NOT so patriotic like they used to be, ha,ha!

The UN also said the genocide in Gaza committed by Israel is  cruel and the worst genocide in history ( that's telling them!) and that they're also using starvation as a means of genocide, and  it's been so hot lately,too, it takes an entire spray bottle of water daily to spritz myself  to cool off from the heat, and I feel I have nothing left keeping me here anymore, nothing left to look forward to, no future, no hope for any improvement or happiness or anything other than the dull, dreary, dragging-on miserable existance I have now(esp. if I'm not even my dog's fave.) and I beg and plead God every day to take me and release me from this dead-end pointless unhappy life and I have no idea why it has to keep prolonging.

I'm  just done.

I want out.

I'm not mom, I'm not anything, any more.