Exposed.

Yesterday even though it got to 30C with a humidex of 38 C I was still able to sit out in the sun for 2 HRS because we had wildfire smoke, haze, and clouds which "muted" the sun so I was still able to feel the heat and warmth but not oppressively hot. Today it's supposed to get up to 33 C and feel like 40 C but still have a bit of smoke left but not as much so we'll have to see how long I can be out today. I still have the headache on and off thru the day and feel really exhausted, sweaty, dizzy, and yucky, and my legs are swollen and feel heavy, tired, and weak I don't know if it's from the heatwave or my high BP....or maybe both? I also heard Stairway To Heaven  on the radio during the night again and I still can't believe that my mother and Buddy are really gone now. My hubby never even mentions them anymore but I still do, wanting to still keep their memory alive.

I also went to re-new my health card yesterday and there were only 3 people ahead of me and they told me for the photo I had to "take my headband(Dreadband) off" and I was mortified and I told them I have to keep it on as it keeps my hair on /dreads in place and they didn't care and insisted I had to take it off for the photo( like on the passport photos) and I was just so embarrassed and humiliated  and I told them I have to go to the bathroom first at least to fix my hair first and they wouldn't let me( they have it locked so the junkies and homeless don't come in off the street) and told me to just use the mirror they had on the wall except I needed water (and privacy!!) to fix my wild hair (which half was all squashed flat underneath and the rest all sticking up)to try and make it at least half-way decent for the photo(so I didn't look like a total  hag) so they finally did(I think they purposely want you to look as ugly as possible for your mug-shot) after I kept insisting and refused to sit for the photo until they did and I just felt so naked, so exposed as everyone there; the staff, the clients, saw me and kept staring, it felt like I was standing there naked  in front of everyone, just like in those weird dreams I've had, and like how Muslim women would feel without their hijab.

It was just so humiliating.

I couldn't wait to get out of there.

Buddy also used to have something in his fur that always gave me itchy red hives  on my arms when I picked him up or cuddled him but not with Beja, and I like these pants(pictured below) and I believe our spirits incarnate to this realm to learn important lessons and I think mine must have been suffering, struggling,trauma,tragedy, hardship, grief, loss, betrayal, survival, healing, determination, strength, rejection, forgiveness, faith, loyalty, sacrifice,hope,humility, fortitude, love, compassion, empathy, and endurance.

Not patience though.

I don't think I'll ever learn that, ha,ha.

But I'm done now.

I've had enough and I think I've learned enough.

But the good news is I think I passed....

I feel like a temporary character.