Not Himself.

Beja is still not himself.

 He's acting like he's either in pain or afraid and I wish I knew what was happening with him. He didn't play, eat, or pee( that I know of,anyway, other than the 2 times he peed on me when I picked him up) and he would randomly just bolt upright and shriek out of nowhere and run off in fear and hide. He'll yelp, tremble and shake and stay in bed and is very skittish( like a rabbit) and jumpy and always on high alert and he never used to be like that( just the usual high-strung Chihuahua such as startling at loud noises but nothing like this; it's like he's so fearful now and I have no reason why) it almost seems like he's even afraid of me now even though I've never hit him or been abusive in any way and it just breaks my heart; he'll run away and hide. I wonder what it is though? I checked him gently touching all over to see what hurts and he didn't flinch or yelp so he doesn't seem to have pain so it must be anxiety or fear, but why?

I wonder if something happened that I'm not aware of to make him suddenly act like this? It's almost as if someone cast a spell on him and changed his entire personality from loving, nuzzling and cuddly to fearful and skittish, to suddenly make him so fearful, so I wonder if maybe there's some change in my "aura" or something and he can sense it? Maybe I'm dying and he can sense my spirit starting to separate from my body and it's freaking him out, or maybe I had another seizure during the night again and it traumatized him, or maybe even in doing so I even hit or kicked him in my thrashing , or I accidenly rolled over on him in bed during my sleep and squished him or something and now he's afraid of me and I have to work on earning that trust and bond back again? Was he possibly stung by a wasp( there's lots out there now) or what, and it scared him? I don't know what it could be and why he's suddenly so fearful and it breaks my heart; my own dog is afraid of me.

The one who used to love me the most.

It makes me feel like a monster and now I want to die even more.

Yesterday he not only didn't even play like he usually does but no "Zoomies" like usual either  and he no longer gets up and follows me around anymore everywhere like he used to either,and he didn't even bark back at other yappy dogs outside like he always does either but just ignored it but at least the good /signs of him of still being his "Old" self somewhere in there  is he did  greet the 30 YR old with his toy in his mouth to play when he briefly stopped by yesterday and he still got mad and defended me when my hubby tried to grab my boob....

I just wish I knew what's wrong with him and what's happened. 

It's like something dimmed his light and almost as if his spirit's been broken.

It feels like I'm losing my dog.

Yesterday I also heard on the radio there's a dinner somewhere( likely a church or community centre) serving Borscht, pierogies, cabbage rolls, garlic sausage, and poppyseed cake and it sounds delicious and just the stuff I love and used to make and it must be either Russian, Polish, or Ukrainian, and I was also horrified to see so many racist Canadians in Twitter  being so awful as well, saying if they hear an "India voice" on the other end of the phone they'll hang up and if they go to a Tim Hortons ( or any restaurant or business) for example and the people working there are "brown" they'll walk right out. 

How absolutely awful.

I really hate this place so much.

I- will be watching over you I- am gonna help to see it through I- will protect you in the night I- am smiling next to you....-Queensryche