Holding On.

Look what my hubby found yesterday.....sunflowers.....and in the most unliklely place....not only in Wal-Mart but it was in the fruit section! Even though it's almost fall( waaah!) summer is still holding on until the last desperate moment and today it's supposed to go up to 27C and then it cools down to a more seasonal 18/21 C which is still nice.

 I'm also holding on.

Holding to to find a reason to live.

Since Buddy left I have nothing to live for anymore and esp. now even Beja wants nothing to do with me anymore and I pretty much only see him now when I'm eating and he wants to mooch.Other than that he'll just squeal and run and hide.I wonder if there's a spirit or demon or something hanging around me he can sense and it scares him?  Or  can he sense I'm dying and he's dis-engaging?I just wish I knew why he's suddenly turned so fearful and the 30 YR old says it's like he's scared of being hurt and that someone must keep hurting him.....but who? Who would DO such a thing? The only one I could possibly think of might be the youngest as he was mean to Buddy before although I've never actually seen him do anything to Beja.

I just wish I knew.

I asked God to give me a reason to live and to also show me the reason because now I'm just barely holding on.

Right after I prayed  a rare black butterfly flew next to me but I wonder what it means though? Hopefully it's a sign I'll die soon...

I'm just existing, I'm NOT living.

The 30 YR old also finally got a haircut( shown here) and he said he had to find a new barber  as his long-time one(he used to be very happy with) kept sending him weird e-mails and harrassing him and also booking app'ts for him he never asked for. That's pretty weird though, don't you think?  The youngest also somehow forgot to put the garbage out for pick-up (he just did the recycling) even though it was right beside the recycling bins and I have no idea how he'd possibly miss that but I noticed the garbage can still up on the veranda so I lugged it down onto the curb myself( killing my bad back and almost having a heart-attack in the process it was so heavy!) but it was already too late and they had already picked the garbage up so now we're stuck with a smelling rotting garbage for another week! I was pissed-off and trying to figure out how he didn't notice it and just left it there and my hubby goes, Sorry we're NOT 'perfect' like YOU! and I told him I'm NOT "perfect" and I never said I WAS; it's just hard for me to comprehend how it could have been forgotten when it was friggin' right there beside the recycling!!

I also heard Jimmy Kimmel's show got cancelled over some comment he made about the Charlie Kirk killing and I've never watched any of those late-night shows but the point is it's STUPID to be fired, cancelled, arrested, etc. due to any comment , an online post, an opinion, etc. You should have the freedom and the right to express yourself, have an opinion, etc. without losing your job,being cancelled, smeared,  etc. What a Fascist Police State! It's the same here,too; if you protest the gov't or it's dogma( protests against Covid mandates, for example, or attend a pro-Palestinian rally or don't agree with the pride parade, etc) you will be arrested. If you don't follow the gov't narrative you will be  censored and punished. That is NOT democracy or freedom; that is a dictatorship. I also still talk to my mother and Buddy in my head hoping they can still hear me on the Other Side and even if not it still helps me feel better and comforted and connected to them.

They did their absolute best to make their wives’ existence as miserable as they could.-Beatrice Weller