Just One Reason.

 

I'm sorry this post is so half-assed.

My shitless computer finally broke last night  and the hardrive crashed(and needs to be replaced) and my hubby set me up with laptop in the meantime and I don't have access to my usual images, etc. so I have to try and find a way around it and it's not as good.

 Sorry for that.

 Yesterday once again I prayed to God to show me why I should still hang around; to give me ONE good reason why I should live and not just kill myself right now.

Just one.

I can't think of one. Not even a single one.

Just give me one reason why I shouldn't just eat the poison berries or electrocute myself, etc.

Everyone will be better off with me gone.

As soon as the prayer ended I again saw that black butterfly.

I still can't think of a single reason why I shouldn't just kill myself now though, now Buddy's gone and even Beja wants nothing to do with me anymore,either.

Not a single one.

Yesterday I only saw him for 90 minutes all day. He was hanging out with the 30 YR old most of the day until his GF came over and he kicked him out and he doesn't play with me anymore or cuddle with me in bed or on the couch and doesn't nap with me anymore now,either, and rarely even ventures into the livingroom so he wouldn't care or miss me if I died and he would be happy with the 30 YR old.

I can't think of a single negative/con of killing myself, only positives/pros.

Buddy was the biggest part of me and now he's gone.

Yesterday my hubby also went back to playing squash again( using his left arm as his right shoulder is "toast" with his arthritis) as everyone apparantly left to go over to the new, better place for pickleball now and the 30 YR old was looking for putting an ad on the radio for his new lash business as well( they say is the "cheapest" form of advertising) but he said it costs 200$ each time the ad runs, so that's expensive so he decided against it. Everything just costs waaay more $$$ than we have!

So if you don't hear from me in awhile I've either died or it's just my piece-of-shit computer again.

Take your pick.

In my arms, you departed... My great love was you. I will search for you in every location and memory nook and cranny. I hope to run across the meadows with you once more in the future!-Aziz Ali