The Scary Thing.

Something really scary happened that couldn't wait until tomorrow to post and with any luck hopefully I'll be dead by then,anyway.Today when I opened the front door a crack to check for mail Beja ran out, tracking a scent, looking for the 30 YR old and he ran down the street and then across the street to the parking lot at the dance studio where I was finally able to corner him and for a fleeting moment I even thought if maybe I should just let him keep running because he obviously doesn't want to be with me anyway but then the love took over and I was scared of him getting run over by a car so I decided to go after him afterall and luckily when it really did matter he trusted me and laid down in the middle of the parking lot( lucky there were no cars there and he never got hit!) and let me approach him and pick him up, scared being in this wide-open unfamiliar area.

It just terrified me!!

The 30 YR old also says he's "resource guarding" ( like when dogs guard their food or toys) guarding him and his love and that he "traded a "lesser" love (mine) for a "superior" love ( his) which hurts as I can't help it he's more "fun" and can chase him and run and go for walks that physically I'm unable to due to my medical issues even though I can still love and snuggle and cuddle him and play Fetch, and that he's "manipulating" me and "training" me to do what he wants when all I ever did was love him and I thought  he loved me back and he was helping me heal after losing Buddy....and then he suddenly "turned" on me, rejecting me and "replacing" me with the 30 YR old and I felt like I was just being thrown away in the trash. Even outside with him this afternoon he kept whimpering at the door and jumping, wanting to go inside and be with him and not out with me. Due to being rejected it doesn't feel the same when I kiss him anymore now ,either; it's just like going thru the motions.

I also wonder why I haven't died yet after poisoning myself last night  so I must either  have an iron stomach or be immortal and at least Buddy didn't die alone or unloved, the 30 YR old and I were with him and he died in my arms but I'm just going to die all  alone with no one loving me. Today I also ate some poison berries as well, just in case I need more , a higher dose of poison to metabolize because I'm fat.

If at first you don't succeed, try and try again.

Life had not played her any kind of favors.-ImJay