Carry On And Keep Surviving.

This old photo of me showed up in my Facebook  from 9 years ago and I'm surprised and shocked how much I've aged in just the past 9 years, esp. my face. Stress does that and so does poor health, both of which just continue to get worse(and yesterday and today my splitting headache is also soooo baaad as well as my abdomenal pain which feels like something's about to explode; I don't know which is worse!) and I realize another reason I'm probably in such bad shape is I'm still grieving,too; for both my mother who died 10 months ago and Buddy( who was my lifeline) 6 months ago, both so close together I didn't even have time to get over the grief of one before I lost the other and they were both such a big part of my life and now they're both gone and I feel so alone and so left behind.

All I can do is the same thing I've always done:

Carry on and just keep surviving.

I've only left the house 3 times since Buddy died and I'm just waiting(and hoping) each day to die so I can be set free and join them  and initially Beja gave me purpose and meaning in life and a reason to live but now he's "traded" me for the almost 31 YR old and I'm such a loser even my own dog left me for someone else.

I feel so alone.

Yesterday I also saw another Monarch butterfly and an eagle soaring above( but luckily Beja was inside at the time and didn't get scooped up as prey) and I got to sit outside awhile( it was only 12 C but sunny so it felt warmer) but today's rain but tomorrow 18 C and sun, and my hubby didn't "save $$$" afterall like he thought buying the wrong laundry detergent even saving 12$ because when I looked the new one is much smaller than our old/usual one,too, even though he thought they were the same size. I've also been so out-of-focus the past few days as well I went to take the food out of the oven yesterday....and it was still cold and frozen so I guess I forgot to set it, so I had to do it all over again. I feel so yucky and creepy, gross ,dizzy, faint, "woozy"and awful it feels like I seriously am dying,too.

My friend P( from grade 6) is also back in Cuba again and there's a ceasefire in Gaza too but how long I wonder until Israel breaks it and bombs the shit out of them again and I also noticed the damn mice chewed a big hole thru one of my Oodies, likely to use the fuzzy warm fabric for a nest, the little f*ckers, and it's sad with Beja as well I don't have the same bond I had with Buddy and he's not my best friend or my soulmate; he's just my dog, although it doesn't even feel like that  now either with him always off with the 30 YR old (and this morning he was even keening outside his bedroom door waiting for him to get up) and I've lost him now,too. 

I need to be seen, heard and to feel safe.

 I just want to be happy and feel loved and I pray God sends some joy into my life.

Hardest pill I swallowed was realizing I meant nothing to people that meant a lot to me.