Dookie.

 Have you seen my most recent post Sullen?

This morning I have abdomenal cramps sooooo baaaad and my colon is making ungodly noises I had to quickly run to the bathroom before I almost shit myself and then did this huge gross dookie but that was sure close! I wonder what it was I ate? Maybe it was the pumpkin pie? Maybe they put real cream in there? Last night the almost 31 YR old was also playing with Beja and I heard him call him My Little Prince Boy and it just broke my heart. He referred to him as his, so he actually thinks he is his  dog now even though he's really mine.  I even reminded him, He's NOT  YOURS; he's mine!! He also says he's "scared" of me and maybe it's because I'm loud but I've always been and he still used to love me before, before he came along and stole him away from me, and he follows him around all the time now(like he used to do with me) and only bothers with me  now when I have food and and he says he "gives him sweet kisses" and I reminded him So do I  and he said, But mine are sweeter, and this is just really getting out of hand now and just destroying me.

He was all I had  after losing Buddy, to help me heal, to love me, for me to love, to keep me company, to give me a reason to live, to keep holding on, to bring purpose ,meaning, and joy into my life and he took him away and now I don't even have that anymore. Last night before bed he ran away from me too and he had to go get him(he came when he called him) because with my bad back I can't get under the table.

It just breaks my heart.

He must have felt "guilty" though as later up in bed I was crying and he actually came up and curled up on my pillow next to my head  licking my face and then he snuggled in-between my belly and legs. I guess he felt badly( as he should) for betraying me.

Why couldn't I have just died with Buddy?

I also heard Stairway To Heaven again and every time I do I hope it means I'm dying soon as I'm just barely holding on here and can't think of one single reason I have now  to live; there's nothing left for me anymore, and sometimes I think I should go on a trip(and it's not like Beja will miss me,anyway, like Buddy did) as I need to get away and get a break  but then don't want to go thru the hassle and think I'm better off just hiding away from the world at home and my hubby joked does he want me to go back to my old slow computer because he knows I "don't like change" ( ha,ha, very funny) and he was supposed to get the grocery shopping  for the week yesterday since he heads for the chess tournament tomorrow at Noon....but of course he didn't( because his priorities are all wrong and whatever he wants always comes first) and went and played pickleball instead so now he has to do it ALL today instead of spreading it out over 2 days(and there's something like 5-6 stores to go to as we go wherever things cost less) and the last time he got the shitty Royale toilet paper too as it was cheaper even though we're supposed to get Cashmere (or at the very least Cottonelle) and toilet paper is something you don't cheap-out on. One thing you don't want is scratchy-ass toilet paper! 😡

"I gave you a promise, to accompany you until your last breath. I did it."-Matthew Brooks