Empty.

Life is so empty without Buddy.

As long as I had him by my side I could get thru anything but now he's gone I'm all alone and have nothing left , no fight left, and no reason to carry on anymore. Yesterday I could have sworn I saw him out of the corner of my eye  3 separate times as well, a shadowy version, but still. I pray God sends someone to love me like Buddy did and it's bad enough that Beja likes the almost 31 YR old more than he loves me ( he says Everyone loves me) but that he used to love me the most until he left me for him. That's what hurts the most. Yesterday he also kept annoying him by following him around everywhere( like he used to do with me but I liked it and miss it) and he plunked him onto my lap and told me to have him.

HA!

Thanks, God, I know that was you.

God works in mysterious ways.

Last night he also went out so Beja came up to me sitting at my computer and "pawed" at me wanting to sit up on my lap and I should  have told the little traitor to f*ck-off but I didn't and this morning he even snuggled up on my pillow next to my head and licked my face so I guess  I'm good enough as a last resort when he's not here and there's no one else.

Today is also the oldest's birthday and he's 36 and I heard the Pope was gifted a white horse which freaked me out as it's the beginning of the Apocalypse (one of the 4 horses of the Apocalypse) as the first sign is a white horse, signalling the arrival of the Anti-Christ  and a false sense of peace (such as in Gaza) followed by the Tribulation and 7 years of war and untold horrors until Jesus' return, and Israel has already broken the ceasefire by only allowing half the aid into Gaza, saying they haven't got all of the hostages back (some of the dead remains) even though the reason is they can't find them all due to Israel's decimating Gaza and there's nothing left but rubble, and their propaganda says there's no female hostages left alive ,either (they just released all the remaining ones, their only "collateral")when in actual fact they were all already released earlier, and there's no doubt we're at the tipping point of a great spiritual awakening and it's exciting! God's people have nothing to fear; it's the rest of humanity that have something to worry about.

Yesterday as I came back inside after smoking a doobie I also saw the almost 31 YR old running from the hallway to the bathroom for his shower  stark buck naked as he forgot his towel again and I wasn't expecting it so I saw a "full moon", and I ordered more weed than usual since the dispensary closes on the 26th so as well as the usual pre-rolls and instead of the 7 grams of dried flower this month I got 14 grams and it will give me a bit of extra time to find a new place that hopefully also delivers. My hubby also leaves this morning for his 4 days chess tournament and I get a break as well and will order-in food  for my treat,too.Eating is the only pleasure I have left in life.

When your day is long And the night, the night is yours alone When you're sure you've had enough Of this life, well hang on.-REM