Every Day.

Every day lately I just beg and plead to God to take me, to set me free, to let me die, hoping it's finally The Day but nothing ever happens. It's all I can even think of. I'm just so done  with  suffering, with life, with my life, with living, with being me, with nothing to live for, to keep me here now, to hold me back anymore, to worry about leaving behind, esp. now Beja sold me out to the 30 YR old, leaving me feeling betrayed and cheated on and it's really hard watching them together ,too, feeling left out, on the outside looking in, constantly having it rubbed in my face, it doesn't even feel like I have a dog anymore and now it feels like right after Buddy died before I got Beja and I'm all alone and left behind, and yesterday I hardly even saw him at all and when I said I was going to put him outside to pee the 30 YR old quickly jumped in and took over, saying, You should let him out now and rushed ahead of me and let him out and I told him, You know I DON'T  need your "permission"; he's NOT your dog!!

I also read somewhere last night that when you're dying and leave your body the bright light(aura) surrounding you fades and is replaced by a dull grey-ish darkness starting at your feet working its way up to your head and I wonder if maybe Beja can sense or even see it and notices the change(if I am dying soon and the process has already slowly begun) and sees the vital force vanishing in me and maybe that's why he's turned away from me and attached to the 30 YR old?  In any case, having him pull away and ignore me now I've detached from everything here now with no reason to still hang around and am now free of all earthly responsibilities and burdens and am completely free to cross over to the Other Side with no "loose ends" left behind, not "beholden" to anything here anymore. I can cross over and never look back.

I'm done here.

Today it's also 3 C this morning when I got up and I heard Stairway To Heaven  so I likely won't be sitting outside until later in the afternoon when it warms up to 18C or so and I've caught 3 queen wasps(I can tell as they were 3-4 times the size of the usual wasps) in my wasp catcher as well and since then the numbers have gone way down so I think I must have got most of the hive/s and did you know blue jays are assholes? They( like crows, who they're related to) steal robin eggs and chicks to feed to their own chicks! It's hard to believe schools have been back for a month already as well and over a month since Beja "traded" me for the 30 YR old and the other night the youngest forgot to put out the garbage and recycling for pick-up again(last week he just put out the recycling but forgot the garbage) so he was woken up at 5:30 am when I woke up to do it. I don't know what his problem is lately but he's really been slacking-off so I guess he also doesn't want his allowance,either then? If you don't do the work you don't get paid.

I was down, I was barely makin' it She was gone and I couldn't take it I was looking for a new way of thinkin' When I go to sleep, I pray I wouldn't wake up.-Y&T