FYFF.

FYFF: Feed your fat face!

Yesterday we got the pumpkin pies from our friend's bakery( they're closed Sundays) for our Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow but of course I had to already try a piece early, ahead of time, in case because  what if I died before then and then I never would have had any pie! Never wait until the last minute because you just never know,right? This year I sadly don't really have much to BE thankful for though, esp. not with Buddy gone. He was really all I had and now he's gone. I do have Beja but it's not the same and it's also not the way I used to now he's abandoned me and gone off with the almost 31 YR old so it's like he's his dog now and I don't really even have him anymore now,either. I couldn't even find him this morning,either, causing me to panic as he wasn't anywhere in bed so I looked frantically around for him in my room and I found him asleep on a bunch of my stuffed toys, making me wonder if he left bed if perhaps I had another nighttime seizure again during the night?

Yesterday I felt really weird  and gross and sick as well( and still do, actually) and mostly just slept all day( and no, it wasn't weed; I felt so sick I didn't even go outside to smoke ) and I don't know if I had fallen asleep on the couch or gone unconscious but I was woken up by Beja oddly kissing me frantically all over my face for at least a good 10 minutes (which was nice and surprised me but I enjoyed) and my hubby walking in asking me  excitedly if I have a DNR( Do Not Resuscitate) order and I said sadly no, not officially, but I DO want to be set free, so he said How about a verbal DNR? It broke my heart though he said that, so obvious how eager he is too for me to die, to get rid of me. I also found out my poor cousin apparantly is missing a vein in his abdomen and  he was born like that and it caused his DVT and clots in his legs heading towards his heart and he only has a 50% chance of recovery so likely has to be on blood-thinners the rest of his life!

Holy f*ck!

That's not good, esp. also if he needs surgery or gets cut he's going to bleed out! I swear, our family has so many medical issues, it's like we're cursed or something. Today was also the oldest's original Due Date but he was born 4 days later. He'll be turning 36. Holy shit, does that ever make me feel old and I had my second-youngest child when I was his age that he'll be turning now!

Every day feels like a battle where I live but feel like I'm dying inside a little bit.-Sean796