Not Again!

Not again!

My plans got ruined once again.

I was planning on  trying to end it tomorrow and I was hoping I finally had a fool-proof plan this time that would work at last....except my hubby said he got the dates wrong( like always!) and they actually don't have Dungeons & Dragons  at their friends' tomorrow( leaving me in the house all alone, the perfect opportunity) like he had written on the calendar,afterall, but actually not until next weekend so now I have to post-pone my plans and wait another week!

I was excited and really looking forward to it tomorrow!

My Last Day!

I was supposed to be on the Other Side tomorrow!

I was hoping tomorrow night that I'd finally  be free; no more pain or suffering,  no more worry, stress, heartache, sorrow, grief, loneliness, and I'd be with my mother and Buddy again, and finally find happiness and peace....

Where my heart wouldn't hurt anymore and my body wouldn't hurt anymore.

and now this.

Doesn't it just figure  though with MY "luck?"

I was hoping once they left for D& D tomorrow it would be the last time they saw me and the last time I saw them and my battle would finally be over as I'm just tired of fighting a war I just can't win.

Now I have to suffer  for another week and I'm really pissed-off.

Why is God just prolonging it and allowing me to suffer like this?

Why doesn't God just answer my prayer and take me? It really seems He doesn't want me to end it and I'd prefer to just die naturally and NOT have the sin of suicide but it's simply taking too long and even if I DO go to Hell it would still be better than the hell I'm living in my life now and would still be a step up and I'd be escaping this. At least I get to see the Foreigner concert(the last thing on my Bucket List) on Wednesday and my hubby's birthday's in 3 more days as well ( the old man turns 62 and his shoulder's back to hurting now,too, and the injection was supposed to last 6 months) but I was really  looking forward  to this and now I'm really disappointed.

 I also saw my Angel Bird yesterday and didn't even have to go outside; I was inside sitting on the couch and it came right up to the window to me! Racist assholes online are also complaining about Indians displaying outdoor lights celebrating Diwali but it's no different than lights for Christmas and people should be allowed to still celebrate their culture and I don't mind; it doesn't bother me as long as they don't worship Satan.

The 31 YR old's GF was also back again last night( so that's 3 nights in a row!) AND stayed overnight,too(and my cough was so bad,too, it kept waking me up), so I think it's safe to assume that they've got back together, and I posted the graphic art drawing of him on my Twitter as well and someone commented, Bro looks like the biggest fucking douche, lmao and I replied, He sort of is... and yesterday he kept over-doing it with Beja right in front of me as well, kissing him and laying on the love, rubbing my nose in it, just to get me riled up and mad which was a cruel thing to do ,and when he says something to me and I don't hear him( as I'm practically deaf but can't afford new hearing aids, which start at 2K) he'll snarl, You really should pay attention!  always being disrespectful and mean,even though I just can't hear, just like my hubby who accuses me of "not listening" when I just can't hear, and it really is time he moves out,too; he doesn't contribute anything to the household and just causes friction.

Yesterday I also tried to take Beja's collar off after a walk and he was squirming and even kept scratching and biting me, the little f*cker, and now I have big scratches all on my arm it looks like I was attacked by a cat.

He really is an asshole.

Him and the 31 YR old actually deserve eachother.

Everything feels like a giant regret When you're up to your ears in heartache and debt I took a shower Stared at the drain Wiped the mirror And there was my face Freedom lies on the other side.-The Trews