Winter Hibernation.

It's now official.

No more sitting outside until spring.

I brought my chair out from the backyard porch inside now for winter hibernation. It's simply just too cold to be sitting outside anymore.

Jamaica(my spiritual home) is also getting decimated (the kind where the Red Cross  and Global Medic have to send disaster relief)with the worst catastrophic hurricane they've ever had, and I don't know if I should get another dog or kill myself.

Today even when the 31 YR old was out and I was hoping it would finally give me some time with my dog and Beja and I were both in the livingroom and I kept repeatedly calling him over to come sit with me he just stayed over on another couch. The 31 YR old said he would like to buy him off me( since he acts like he's his dog,anyway) but not until 1-2 more years, so that way I'll hopefully be dead and he'll just get him for free.

He wants me to die so he can have my dog and my hubby wants me to die so he can sell my house.

When I posted on Twitter that I can't think of one single reason to NOT kill myself (other than the fear of possibly going to Hell because suicide is a sin although God also knows your heart) someone actually said they'd miss me which I thought was nice, esp. considering I don't even know them and my own family won't even miss me.

It's time to move on, it's time to get going What lies ahead, I have no way of knowing But under my feet, baby, grass is growing It's time to move on, time to get going.-Tom Petty

I was originally going to do this post tomorrow but figured in case I do decide to do it tonight it will already be done.

Earlier today my hubby told me everyone will be out of the house tonight at Games Night, hinting it would be a good time for me to kill myself being home all alone and it hurt that he's so eager for it and encourages me to do it and that everyone actually really will be better off and happier with me gone.

I was considering it,too, and then realized I have the Foreigner concert this week, the last thing on my Bucket List so I might as well wait a bit and see that and then I can always do it. There's no rush. I figure I've already waited this long so what's a few more days? I'll always have another opportunity when everyone is out.

The worst things the kids ever said to me as well are when they actually tell me to go kill myself, when the 31 YR old called me a crazy psycho bitch  and when the 24 and 22 YR olds were younger( teens) the 24 YR old told the younger one, grinning with glee( about me) I'm so glad we finally broke her!

My hubby also said he and the youngest are going to BC in Feb( when airfare costs less) to visit the girls and have their "Christmas" then(we still have the Christmas tablecloth on our dining room table from 3 years ago!) just like they did last time, probably mainly so I won't be there and it will just be them.

I've never really really been part of this family.

Not even when everyone all lived here.

Yeah, I'll probably feel a whole lot better when you're gone Oh, when you're gone Oh, when you're gone Oh, when you're gone.-Tom Petty