Gerrard Square.

I saw this photo pop up yesterday in my Old Toronto group in my Facebook feed of Gerrard Square.

It was a small-ish shopping centre my mother and I used to go to when I was growing up that was close to where we lived. I can still fondly remember getting shoes there, going to the T-shirt place and getting decals ironed on, to the Bittner's German deli and getting my yearly Christmas Advent calendars( and that was way before it was a common thing here) and I also remember they had this really good German burger I'd always get,  and getting our European delicacies there,and we would also eat at the steakhouse (I think it was a Ponderosa if I can remember correctly) and in highschool( at the good one I went to, Riverdale C.I.)  my friends and I would often walk up there during lunch( it was only a few blocks away) and we'd go to the cosmetics counter at Sears  and hurriedly try to put our "faces" on before the staff would catch us and we'd have to run away, someonetimes only getting one eyelid done, ha, ha!

Such fond, happy memories.

I wonder if it's still there?

I really wish I could go back.

I miss the life I used to have then.

My hubby also picked me up some nice scented aromatic candles( shown here) he calls "smelly stuff" which are pumpkin spice( the 31 YR old liked and was close; he thought it was gingerbread) , apple pie, bergamot ( which is a citrus that looks like a green orange and he also really liked), mint, and something else I forgot. I also still have that friggin' headache and I bet everyone was probably disappointed yesterday as well to come back home from D & D  and find that I was still alive and didn't "off" myself like I had originally planned although they also never had any idea,either; it was just my secret plan, but no need to worry; it's still a plan, just for another time.

Not cancelled, just post-poned.

I also read something last night that got me thinking: I wonder if my feeling of emptiness and nothingness now, with no attachment to anything or anyone here anymore, or anything to hold on, or reason to live, is just a spiritual awakening? Maybe I just simply let go and am not "bound" to  or beholden to anything or anyone physical or materially here on Earth  anymore, freeing my spirit and soul to cross over to the Other Side unencumbered?

This is also my cousin before she lost the 37 pounds(above) and after the weight loss( below) and she says she still has 5 more pounds to go but I don't think she really even needed to lose weight and that she looked better before, and healthier, and now she looks too  thin, she looks sick, and older,too,like someone with cancer.

She also said she has to pay for the weekly injections herself and it costs equal to our 100$ a month, and you have to keep on it the rest of your life,too, or the weight comes back on. Holy f*ck, that's 400$ a month(my hubby says is equal to a car payment)! I'd like to do it,too, except I can't afford it.

My Twitter stats also said I got 30K views this week.

Everyone's also so excited about baseball all of a sudden

and then there's me.

I don't give a f*ck.

I also think I figured out the reason why guys like redneck sports so much:

I think it appeals to their aggressive inner warrior and their urge for battle: their desire to fight and to beat someone else, to prevail over another, to be victorious and to be the best, the winner of a war between 2 sides/teams, where only one can win.

I just think the whole thing is stupid and a waste of time.

Growing up suicidal is weird because I didn't think I'd still be alive right now so I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life or where I'm going because I never planned on being here for it.-Sy