My cousin B posted this photo up yesterday on her Facebook she said is of her grandfather in WWII and she gave the name but it confused me because I thought all this time her grandfather was someone else! I don't get it! Life is complex, confusing and complicated, and with lots of secrets, and has so many twists and turns.Where does this guy fit into the puzzle? In any case, he was a handsome guy though and her son looks so much like him! I AM grateful to those that fought in WWII too for our freedom against the Nazis(although NOT so much "freedom" now; they must be disappointed); I just don't celebrate Remembrance Day as it is now,however, because it's NOT just honouring those fallen in WWI and WWII but now they also glorify and promote the current military today as well, who invade and wage war in other countries, pillaging their resources and are nothing more than State-sponsored killers. Back then war was about fighting for freedom against invasion but nowadays it's just about expanding territory and stealing other countries' resources which I do not support.
I think I'm having a hard time adjusting to the time change as well as yesterday I felt like it must be 7 pm or so and it was only just past 2 pm and I woke up out of my nap thinking I had a dream I had a big bruise on my outer left wrist so I checked....and it turns out I actually really do, yet have no idea how or where it came from, and I also came across an article online that might possibly explain my symptoms as well:
Porphyria.
It's an inherited enzyme deficiency( like my Alpha-1 anti-trypsin deficiency) affecting the liver and hemoglobin in the blood causing severe abdomenal pain, back pain, seizures, neurological issues, nausea/ vomiting, rash in the sun, high BP, liver and gallbladder issues, etc. like I also have so it does make me wonder and something is causing it, and last night I couldn't remember if I'd eaten or not and as I was contemplating what to get for my snack the oven timer went off, reminding me I had already made a home-made pizza on naan!
Man, that must have been some really goooood weed!! HA!
Yesterday a couple of times I also had this weird sharp "zapping" pain on the right side of my head I wondered if I was maybe going to stroke out but if I do I just hope that it kills me and that I don't end up incapacitated(with MY "luck") like my father did for 6 months before his second stroke that finally killed him, and I was checking online to see if Gerrard Square was still there in Toronto in my old neighbourhood( and it is, and renovated) and I was saddened to see so many people "slagging" it as well, calling it "low-rent" ,"shitty" and "Ghetto Square" etc. as my old neighbourhood has gone way downhill since then but it WAS good when we lived there and I still liked it and it still doesn't change my experience, how I felt ,or my good memories, regardless.
Watching Beja going off with the 31 YR old and seeing them loving on eachother while he just rejects and ignores me is also very hurtful and would be like watching your hubby with another woman although I honestly think that would hurt less, and what I also miss about my youth is not only being young, and no wrinkles, but also having energy and not always being so tired and out-of-breath, and none of these shitty medical issues, and I was also happy then and I still had hope, dreams, and a future, none of which I have anymore now, and I'm also sorry I wasn't as good as my kids hoped, wanted, and thought they deserved but I had my own battles to fight and I'm almost 59 YRS old and I'm still fighting my battles, traumas, broken-ness, and damage.
I'm sorry for being me.
Baby, if you can't change the world
Maybe you should just change yourself
You used to be such a sweet young girl
Why you wanna be someone else?-Tom Petty
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