The Waiting.

Tom Petty has this song called The Waiting  I really like and it also happens to be true; he says, ....the waiting is the hardest part. and it is. I keep waiting(and praying!) to die every day and yet it never happens. I'm just tired every day always being in pain one way or the other. Yesterday my back hurt so much it felt like an elephant was standing on it and the day before my stomach felt like it was being kicked by a horse, not to mention the daily emotional and mental struggles and when I had mentioned I was starting to check online ads to get a second dog that will actually bond with and love me and want to hang out with me(like Beja used to before the 31 YR old swooped in and took over and poached him from me) someone commented that I "need medication" and I replied I'm already on medication and all I need is someone to love me and want to be around me and is that really too "much" to want or to ask?

I don't think so.

I'm just tired of fighting and suffering and being in pain.

every.

single.

day.

I also notice that I miss my mother more than I thought I would since I chose to remember the good times and not dwell on the bad, and now it's been 7 months since Buddy died as well and I feel so lonely and "left behind"  without them, and it feels like a custody battle with Beja(since I hardly even see him much anymore) and the 31 YR old,too; with him having primary custody( even though he IS my dog!) with me stuck with uncomfortable, forced, and awkward visitations he doesn't want, and yesterday he was sitting with him as usual and I went over to pick him up to bring him over to cuddle with me for once and he jumped off and ran away and wouldn't let me catch him and he scoffs he's "scared" of me(even though he didn't used to be until he stole him off me) .

 I notice he also has a cut on his "arm" as well, likely from the dog park and it worries me him running loose off-leash other bigger dogs may attack him,and it also hurts he can take him for walks( like Buddy and I used to do until his last year when due to age and medical issues neither of us could walk much anymore) strengthening their bond, when I'm unable to anymore due to my breathing issues.😭

Beja was all I had to love, to love me, and to help me heal after Buddy died and then he came along and took him away from me so now I don't even have him anymore. 

Now I don't even have that.

It feels like I don't even have a dog now.

I really and truly am  all alone now and I feel  all alone.

I got no one.

No one and nowhere feels like home anymore.

I was all excited this morning when Beja came over to my pillow next to me and started licking my face as well  until I realized he just had to pee and wanted me to get up(not that he actually loves me) and he only comes to me when he's hungry because he knows I'm the one that feeds him.

 I feel so used.

 Last night I also fried up some chicken strips in the skillet in olive oil I shared with him and I informed the 31 YR old as his GF has an olive oil allergy so I told him to make sure to not let him near her and I know he wasn't too "happy" about it but it's not my problem(and I did  tell him); I simply like to cook with olive oil and she's his GF, not mine( and it's not MY responsibility or my problem and my life doesn't revolve around her and her allergies) but Beja is my dog so I can feed him whatever I want, even though he acts like he's his.,and if he doesn't like it he can always move out, which I hope he does so I can finally get my dog back! 😡

Now it gets dark early( 5 pm or so) I like to sit outside on my back porch and smoke 'Da Blessed Herb and look up at the stars; it's one of those Little Things and Simple Pleasures in life that I enjoy and I have to find and enjoy as many "little things" as I can in life to bring me joy because that's all I have, and there are no "big" things, and we might get snow  on Sunday or Monday as well, our first of the season, although just a "trace" but it's not too surprising since it IS November already even though it still feels like summer just ended. I also heard this half-assed Shithole has a shortage of pain meds( such as Percocet, Oxycodone, Acetaminophen,etc) ever since the summer and running into the new year, just like some Third World country, and people that need it are even running out ( luckily I just smoke weed for pain) .

I can also still remember the Remembrance Day I was in grade 12 ( it was a school holiday back then) and it was really snowing and I was sitting on my living room floor with my blue bristle board cutting out the photo-copied photos I got from the encyclopedias at the library( this was  in the mid-80's,before InterNet, remember)  for my history project on German Tanks of WWII ( Panzerwagon) I got a 90-something mark for, and for some reason that memory just stuck, even all these decades later,and I also remember family stories of WWII as well, how my mother's father came back all damaged and ended up an alcoholic( he was fine before) just like countless others(war is hell), and my Babushka's youngest brother actually ended up going insane  and even tried to kill his teen son years later, thinking he was still back in battle and he was an enemy soldier, and ended up in a Psych ward for the rest of his life, and my father's parents were both in the Army( but not in combat) they worked in Intelligence and that's how they met actually; they both worked in the same office.

I will always wonder what it is to have a family who love me.-Insomniaroxx