Rat Thing.

Yesterday it was really hard watching Beja ( who the 31 YR old lovingly calls Rat Thing) and the 31 YR old. We were all in the same room together and he kept sitting with him even though I was there,too, trying desperately to get him to come over to me and he was eating and he was mooching off him and he was torturing the poor thing by only giving him a small morsel and making him wait  and not giving him any more and he was really hungry as well(and I could tell) and it seemed to me like some sort of sick game where he revelled in having power and control over him and I also had his food with me(he hadn't eaten yet all day) which was turkey and ground pork( the 31 YR old was eating turkey and ham, so it was almost the same thing) which I offered to him and yet even so he still stayed with him and refused to come over to me  or eat my food I had for him even though I was actually going to feed him and that really hurt.

 At least once he moves out in a few days I'll finally have my dog back.

Beja's all I have and it doesn't even feel like I have him.

 It also hurt watching them loving on eachother while I'm sitting over here desperately wanting my dog to love me, all alone. It doesn't even feel  like he's my dog but just the family dog in the house and I get to spend time with him every now and then when there's no one else. He just merely "settles" for me and it breaks my heart. It also makes me feel unlovable and like such a loser; even my own dog  prefers someone else over me,  and I'm not even his fave. person ,and even later when I did have him he still kept looking for him.

That just breaks my heart like nothing else.

I really don't have anyone anymore and really am all alone.

What do I even still live for?

This is also my friend S(from grade 8)'s cute new mini Bulldog. His name is Axyl. I also remember my mother telling me her grandmother had a Bulldog and my mother was a baby out on the lawn on a blanket with the dog when a rat came by and the dog took off after it and caught it and killed it, protecting her. Today I'm also making Ambrosia for New Years with the real whipped cream, diced fruit cubes and marshmallows, and my hubby also has the nerve to expect me to make a dish for their NYE Potluck just him and 2 of the boys are going to tonight at their friends' that I wasn't even invited to and aren't going to and he thinks nothing of it but I find it insulting; it feels like You're not welcome but we'll just use you for your food.

The story of my life.

Never wanted, welcome, or incl.

People always just want and need stuff from me  and use me but they never actually want me.

Say goodbye to the Christmas tree because this the last day( and for the outdoor lights and all the decor,too) as it comes down tomorrow and being I was born at the beginning of the year( my birthday is in 4 days; I turn 59) I also wonder if I'll die at the end of the year? Today would be nice, on NYE, and it also gives me the perfect opportunity to try it again since everyone will be out tonight, and goodbye December and goodbye 2025.....

and good riddance!

Glad to see you go!!!!

This is also our vines coated in ice from the other day and yesterday we were the only ones on our block to have the garbage put out for pick-up, for the re-vised day this week.....and they did  pick it up( we missed it last week as they changed days and we never knew) and we had sooooo much after 2 weeks we had 2 garbage cans and 6 recycling only they left half the recycling behind as they were all frozen and stuck in the bins! This is also a good example of why you shouldn't follow the crowd. We were also the only ones who made pick-up this week. I also heard Stairway To Heaven  again on the radio and my birthday is soon and I have no idea what I even want for my gift from my hubby as really the only thing I even want is just to be on the Other Side with Buddy and my mother.

I still sometimes feel like I am worthless and an absolute f*ck up because if my own kids don't love me who will?-Jennifer Alper