Almost Lost Him.

I almost lost Beja today.

Either his trachea collapsed( not unusual in small breeds) or else he was choking on something but he kept choking and I had to massage his throat (like I always do when this happens, as he has a habit of scarfing his food down and eating crap off the floor and I have to cut everything up in small pieces)only it didn't ease it this time and it only got worse and then he panicked and struggled even more as he couldn't breathe and was frantically wriggling and gasping and shaking his head and then he went still, limp and lifeless in my arms,eyes glazed over, tongue hanging out..

I thought he was gone.

I'll never forget that image burned into my mind.

I think he was,actually; there was no detectable breathing, no heart beat.

I cried and I begged and pleaded with God.

I also immediately did canine CPR on him, incl, rib compressions and making a seal over his snout with my mouth and breathing in for him....

and God restored him to me

but seeing him limp and lifeless in my arms when I was so sure he was gone and I'd lost him,now,too(esp. after just recently losing my mother 14 months ago and then Buddy 10 months ago) I was  beyond desolate and inconsolable.

I was heartbroken and shattered beyond words.

Not again.

He's all I have left.

I can't keep losing everyone I love.

I can't keep doing this.

My hubby also put this cool print on a black T-shirt for me instead of me risking ordering it online and it just ends up some scam, plus it's cheaper this way,too, my friend P(from grade 6) is also in Mexico to escape the cold, and it's so cold out ( minus 20-something C) my nose was running and my bong hit was sooo massive I almost forgot how to breathe. In any case, if I lose Beja ,too ,I don't want to breathe anymore.

 My life is over.

I'm done.

I can only take so much.

Everything overwhelms me and existing feels like a chore.-Rot