Shaken Up.

 Have you seen last night's post Almost Lost Him?

I saw this old-fashioned charm bracelet online yesterday and I had one just like it back in the 80's. When I was 12 or 13 one Christmas my cousin gave it to me with a few charms on it and then every year for Christmas and birthdays she'd give me new charms( they were sterling silver) and I would also add to the collection and eventually it was all full of charms. Ahhh, the memories. Sadly I lost it in the fire, along with everything else.

I'm still all shaken up from almost losing Beja yesterday and I keep replaying the image in my mind of him limp and lifeless in my arms and I could even feel  the life-force leaving him and seeing the floppy empty shell of a body he momentarily left behind just gutted  me and when I thankfully got him back he was really scared as well but at least if he was afraid it meant he was alive and the adrenaline would jump-start his heart  and now I'm terrified the same thing will happen again and I'm just consumed with worry and fear now even though at the same time I also know all I can do is just enjoy every day I still have with him because any day could be our last. At least with Buddy when he died he was 19 and he was ready but Beja's only a year old and I also can't take any more death, loss, or grief,esp. not all so much, so soon.

If I lose him,too,that's the end for me.

I can't take any more.

They also said we got 118 cm( 4 feet) of snow in January and the usual is 44 cm and 118 is what we usually get all winter and a ground hog was cancelled for today too due to a blizzard so I guess an early spring is out of the question( as if we ever had much doubt) but that's just a crock of shit anyway(Groundhog Day) and it's been extra cold,too, and January felt like it lasted 6 months! Newfoundland is also getting 50cm of snow today,too! I also heard you can hire roofers to shovel the snow off your roof but of course I'm sure it cost more $$$ than we can ever afford, and I fear as well if we don't pay off the furnace debt/loan they'll come and repossess it, or shut it off remotely ,or refuse to come service it if it breaks down. I also had a dream the 31 YR old went on a date with his ex-GF and they got back together but I hope NOT; I always had bad "vibes" about her right from the beginning and I was right ; she's toxic for him and he always drinks waaaaay too much when he's with her.

The 31 YR old also gets another wisdom tooth removed tomorrow and  this morning I saw a puddle on the floor on the second floor hallway I thought the ceiling was leaking again...oh,shit....but then when I wiped it up it was yellow on the tissue and smelled like pee....and then I saw sneaky Beja had somehow snuck upstairs, so he'd just peed there instead which was a sort of a "relief" in a way, and hearing the horrific details of the Epstein Files triggered a long-ago hidden memory as well: when I was 4 or 5 I was at my friend C's house( just down the street from me) and there was a bunch of kids sitting in a circle in her rec-room and then her dad came in and they started this weird chanting and then (I can't remember exactly which it was) either she warned me to leave and go home or I had a bad "vibe" and left but I said I had to go to the bathroom and went upstairs and instead went out the back door and just went home. Looking back I think I dodged some ritual and now it makes sense too her severe speech impediment only me and her family could understand her; it was likely trauma from abuse?

The urge to kill yourself hoping you're reborn pretty.-Altci