Daily Pondering.

 

Just Being Me.

Check out this cool footprint in the snow that's a combination of my foot and Beja's; his are the small ones along the top that look like toes for my big one. He misses his Dog Jog (his run, how he gets his exercise) with my hubby not here and wants me to do it but I can't run around and chase him around the house(the best I can do is a short our game "I'm going to cut your tail off!" short chase) as I get so out of breath and dizzy and over-exerted with my breathing issues and he sits around an mopes waiting for him to come back, meanwhile I'm over here in the present,  still here for him to cuddle, play "Fetch" etc.

 I also heard Stairway To Heaven again yesterday and for the past 3 days I constantly have this really gross taste in my mouth and my throat hurts, the lymph nodes at the side of my neck are swollen, and yesterday I also had a baaaad headache and was really dizzy and was really choking on hork I even had trouble catching my breath and still have the neck and ear pain,  and it just feels like I'm fading away,making throat cancer even more of a likely possibility, and I heard Chuck Norris died at 86 as well even though I thought he was "immortal" and NOTHING could kill him. I also saw somewhere Canada now offers same day euthanasia and I don't know if that's actually true or not or just a rumour but if it is where can I sign up?

I always had a feeling my entire life as well I would die young, before I was 50, but maybe I was just "off" by a decade and it's actually before 60, which is next year?

This is also my Disco-style spinning light on the wall, and last night I ate really spicy( usually spice doesn't bother me so maybe it's due to the ulcer in my throat?) Indian food, and it made my nose run and my stomach hurt and I even had to eat yogurt with it to "neutralize" it and I'd also just smoked some of the "Jazz Cabbage" before, making the spice even more intense, and I saw the brown rabbit in our yard gnawing on the bark on our tree so it must have been starving so I tossed it a couple of carrots and people always say I'm such a "horrible" awful person but if I really WAS so bad I wouldn't care about a hungry wild rabbit, would I? 

I also got lots of slack for not seeing what the "big deal" is over the 24 YR old's cat. Now if it was a dog it would be different.Even though I DO "feel " for her I just don't see what the big deal is why complete strangers would send her $$$ just for a cat; it's cheaper to just get another one; they're a dime a dozen and don't have the same value as dogs. I was called everything from a "cat-hater" (which is true enough and I don't dispute; I do hate cats; I always have, so fair enough) and a "psycho bitch" , "heartless",and a "horrible mother" who "has no empathy for her kids" and sarcastically "Mother Of The Year" and the worst one: that I "'Deserve' all my medical issues" for "being such a horrible person", etc. which was just going TOO far and I just blocked them.

I originally just replied with an "Up Yours!" photo but telling me that , that I "deserved" my medical problems just because I hate cats crossed a line.

  I don't know if it was just my autism, or just me being me, or because I hate cats and don't see any value or worth in them, or because I have a hard time feeling too "sorry" for her since of all the kids she was always the meanest to me (she's always been a "Mean Girl")saying the cruelest things, incl. she was "so happy she broke me" and even said on several occasions she wished Buddy died, so there's that...

I'm just me, and I feel what I feel, and I think what I think,

 and I say what I say.

Either way, I'm sorry for being me but I don't know who else to be.

Finito.

I like to imagine what I would be like if I was normal and not like this.-Dollnotie

 

Truth For Today.

 

The Couch.

This is my friend D(from grade 6)'s couch. He  paid a mind-boggling 25K  for it and is now selling it for 9.5K.

Holy f*ck!!

I can't believe he paid 25K for a couch!

I don't think I've ever paid 25K for anything!!

Then he goes on to say it's a Ligne Roset Michel Ducaroy Togo  couch.

I've never even heard of it, but holy shit.

I can't even.

That's just a whole new level of wealth.

He's now a photographer, film-maker and director but I still remember him as the cute boy who put a turd in John's desk and the rest of the class got detention for it and I had a crush on him and at recess one time I chased him  and had my friends hold him  down so I could kiss him and he kicked me and ran away.😂

My hubby is also in Trois-Rivieres ("Three Rivers") for his chess tournament and it was a 5 HR drive or so and he said it was ok until he got to Montreal traffic and he's even staying at the Wyndham  hotel which is 300$ a night( but he got for half price for a tournament special but it's still waaaay more than he usually pays; he likes the 65$ motels) and he's really levelled-up as he normally stays at the flea-bag roach motels where they change the sheets every hour and have chalk outlines  and blood stains on the floor. Beja misses him though and it's sad: he sits on his chair waiting for him,sulking.

Today is also the first day of spring but we're getting snow...then freezing rain....and ice-pellets and then later rain.

Spring....yeah.....my ass.

I also saw this photo of me just 3 years ago and I'm shocked how much I've aged in just 3 years so I probably DO have cancer, and I got more weed as I only had 6 doobies left, and it's the 24 YR old whose cat has cancer and she noticed it had a lump on it s paw and took it to the vet and that's how she found out  and she even put up a GoFundMe  page for the vet expenses and people were even stupid enough to donate $$$ just for a complete stranger's cat! Can you believe it? Just for a stupid cat! It costs more than its worth and you can just find another one behind an alley somewhere.  My hubby said she raised all the $$$ in just a few hours,too. I think cats are vermin, like rats, and not important like dogs are .I also can't help but wonder if this is "karma" of a sort as well for her often cruelly saying to me ,"I hope Buddy dies!"and now she has a sick pet so she knows how it feels. 

The mean things you do always come back to you.

As I was waiting at the door for my delivery last night I also noticed 3 guys("sketchy"-looking) hanging around right across from my house and I was worried maybe they were waiting for the Weed Guy so they could rob either him or I but luckily they didn't but you have to be vigilant and always aware of your surroundings and my life experience has taught me that, and and it's also sooooo much better and less stress, conflict and tension now without my mother here as well; no more yelling, fighting, Triangulation,her over-indulging the youngest, and her and my hubby can no longer "gang-up" on me like they used to and life is just so much more peaceful and less stressful now even though everyone always blamed it on me before and once I die it'll be the same as well; everyone will be happy; I'll finally be free, they'll be rid of me and can sell the house and move on, so everybody wins.

I honestly thought I would be dead by this age.-PainfulTweets

 

Weekend Words.

My biggest concern when I die too is NOT that I won't be remembered but that I won't be missed.

Born to kill myself. forced to live.-Kuno

Suicidal ideation, for many, isn’t about death. It’s about relief. From shame. From feeling overwhelmed constantly. From feeling like a fucking burden. The goal isn’t always “not wanting to be alive” It’s just not wanting to live like this.-LetsHealAndRecover

Do you actually like being alone or did you just get used to no one ever showing up for you.-Ela

I already know I’m going to commit suicide in the future, it’s just a matter of when.-Wangai

The smartest people you know are probably All suicidal.-Lu

Standing with Cuba. Standing with Gaza. Standing with Iran. Standing with Lebanon. Fuck the US. Fuck Israel.-Comix By Chloe

I'm pretty much just waiting to die.-Mari

The fact that some people can live without suicidal thoughts is crazy to me.-Chuuya

The loneliness I had as a child never left.-Ela

Adulting is realizing nobody is your friend.-S