The Braid.

Yesterday Beja did a turd on the rug and it came out braided! I couldn't believe it but it actually looks like a tiny little braid so I had to take a photo so you would believe me. Yesterday it was only 2C but it was really sunny so we got to be outside for an hour and got some fresh air and sun, and I saw my Angel Bird, and I asked my hubby if the 24 YR old got her cat's biopsy back yet and he said "All clear" and when I said, "Oh, good, so if it wasn't cancer, what was it? A lipoma, or something?" and he goes, "It WAS cancer but they got it all" so  how is that exactly "good"  if it WAS cancer but I guess he meant the margins  were all clear once they removed the growth.

I also love feeling Beja's warm little body pressed up next to mine snuggling in bed or on the couch and I'll never forget how cold  Buddy was when he died; he was just so, so cold,  I will just never ever forget how cold he was, and so hard and stiff and how much heavier  he felt as well and I will never get that image out of my mind and even though I've seen plenty of dead animals and people before it never hit me as hard as it did this time.

 It's also sad to realize when I die that no one on this side will miss me but I have some comfort in knowing that there will be people on the Other Side waiting to greet me when I cross over.

I also realized now my mother's gone that *I* have "graduated" and moved up and "inherited" and  taken over her role now as designated  resident Old Lady now ; needing a daily nap, feeding the squirrels, having aches & pains, sitting outside on the porch, telling everyone to turn the lights off and shut the door,  and I need someone to look me in the eyes as well with kindness and tell me that I'm really NOT such a "bad" person but I'm just broken, damaged, and traumatized from everything that's happened to me; to show me some compassion and love, and someone said I need therapy(to be able to love myself and my family better) but I have tried it before(with a psychiatrist, he was the one who diagnosed me with autism & bipolar, and also did Family therapy with the then-14 YR old as well) but it didn't help; going over and re-living painful memories just made my anxiety worse and made me feel even worse  about myself  and hate myself even more so it's better to just leave it in the past and try to heal and move on.

Now the corrupt Liberals  are also thisclose to getting their Majority gov't even though that's NOT what they were elected; a 5th TRAITOR has "Crossed the floor" and left their original political party and joined them( I do wonder though what they do to "poach" them-which is cheating by the way-do they pay them, bribe them, or even blackmail them,or what?)  this year and there's also a by-election next Monday with 3 "seats" and if they win just ONE they'll get it.....oh, God, I hope and pray NOT....I hope they lose all 3....snatching it like this is unethical....and just like them. My hubby's also going up to Toronto Saturday to celebrate the 26 YR old's fish party, so he thinks nothing of a 2 HR drive each way for something stupid like that  but always has a problem with dropping me off or picking me up at the airport, which is the same distance and time, so it's not the time of the trip; it's just that he doesn't want to bother to take the time for me. It's also sad my hubby hasn't been to Europe or to anywhere much really and hasn't even left North America, and I've been to 5 continents and 39 countries. We really don't have anything in common other than the kids.

I am waiting for something fatal to happen to me because staying alive is too much for me to take.