The Biggest Lie.

The biggest lie I ever told:

"You can go now, Buddy. I'll be ok."

No one will ever love me like he did and I'll never have a bond with anyone like I had with him. I just miss him so much.

It's just not the same with Beja and even though I love him it's still not the same what Buddy and I had and it's sad to realize that there's no one alive anymore that loves me or that would care or miss me if I died.

 When Buddy died I died with him.

 He was my entire life, my whole world, my reason to keep going, my reason to exist and now I have nothing left anymore.

Nothing to live for.

Yesterday my hubby fell asleep( he has a cold) and Beja spent the time with him snuggled up in bed (and fell asleep himself) with him instead of with me awake in the other room waiting to play with him, listening to music. 

I'm not even my own dog's favourite person.

I really wish he could love me the way he loves  my hubby and the 31 YR old and the way Buddy loved me.

Yesterday Beja and I got to be outside all day( and I got sun on my face, working on my summer tan) and I felt really yucky and gross: cough, headache, dizzy, blurry vision, really baaaaad stomach, abdomenal and back pain and every muscle and bone in my body hurt and I just felt like utter shit, and  today is also Star Wars day, May 4th....May the Force be with you....get it? 

I always like to say "May the Force be upside your head.

I always liked Star Wars (although to be honest I didn't actually even start watching it until I was in my 40s even though the first one came out in 1977 when I was 10) but not Star Trek.

That's a whole new level of geek.

It's like the battle of the nerds.

The leaves are also finally out on the trees except for the mulberries of course who are always late bloomers( just like I was, ha,ha)  and the 31 YR is now in a new semester and says the subjects are the same as last time just more advanced and there's 25 or so in his classes and my hubby mumbled something about a Restraining Order  regarding his ex-GF  so I don't know if he had to take one out to keep her away and stop her from harrassing him or what as my hubby was also "loopy" from being sick and next Sunday is Mother's Day already and I have no idea what I want for my gift yet and on the 9th  child # 10 also turns 23 ( she was born the day after Mother's Day) and when I was her age I already had 2 kids; a 1 YR old and a baby.

Before I actually had kids( and it ruined my life) I used to really like kids,too, but now I hate kids.

They ruined that for me,too.

How do you replace a soulmate? You don't!-Joyavayu