Little Christmas.

 Yesterday we had a Little Christmas, because later today the 19 YR old takes the train back and she won't be here on actual Christmas itself so instead we had a little mini-version before with her where she opened her gifts from us and we opened our gifts from her and then we had Butter Chicken( her fave, and mine!) and Basmati rice for dinner. We also gave her Christmas stocking filled with chocolate, which she also loves. Of all the kids she's the most like me in the way she "inherited" my love of chocolate, writing, reading,and art. She'll be spending Christmas Day itself with her BF and his family, which is basically like her "adopted" family as they've already accepted her as a part of their family, like we did with the 24 YR old's GF before they sadly broke up. (I still miss her.She would have made a great daughter-in-law.)


                                     

This is the gift she gave me: it's supposed to be a Dachshund although it's body isn't long enough and with the "wooly" curly appearance of the fur texture it looks more like a Poodle which is so gay and frou-frou and one of my least fave. breed of dogs. It looks like it's made of wire and wicker or something and I don't rewally like it and think it's tacky but she'll never know as she won't be reading this as my family doesn't even know about my blog. My hubby kept censoring and deleting my other one so this one is my secret they don't know about; just my private thoughts they can't touch or ruin.It's also like my own "separate" thing away from them and it feels like freedom. His siblings used to poke fun of my old blog too,and,in fact, they had some sort of sick "game" where the only reason they'd even read it was to laugh at it and make fun of it and tear it apart.

  I feel guilty and badly though for not liking my gift, like it's being ungrateful, even though at the same time I also can't help it if I don't like something or if I think it's tacky. I'm pretty sure that comes from a lifetime of conditioning from my mother who always(and still does even now I'm almost 52 years old) scolding me and putting me down every time I complain or don't like something, be it a gift or anything actually, she'll huff condescendingly, Don't complain! You should be grateful that you even got anything at all! which makes me feel like I don't deserve what I want or what I like, and I should learn to be content, or even happy with and satisfied with,and settle for, whatever little crumbs are thrown at me, like a dog begging for table scraps, as if I'm not "allowed" to BE disappointed, let-down, upset, disatisfied, or complain; that that's all I really "deserve" anyway and that I'm lucky to even get that. It makes me feel so unworthy and then so guilty and ungrateful when I don't like something or I'm disappointed.

  As well, whenever I try to show interest in what the kids are doing or in thei interests I always just get rebuffed , rejected, irgored, and told to get lost and mind my own business anyway,and then my family wonders why I feel rejected, unwelcome, outcast,and pushed out of this family. Whenever I try to include myself in their "circle", interject myself into their conversations, try to be involved, or show interest they just push me away saying things like, This doesn't include you lady, now back off! (that one usually from the 15 and 17 YR olds) or I wasn't talking to you! (from both them and my hubby)or, You're NOT part of this! This is how they treat me and then they wonder why get upset, withdraw even more, and wish I could run away....