Balancing.

Our children were coping in the only way they knew how,  which was by striving to be at the top of the pack by what ever means necessary. It is called survival. Someone who is struggling to survive is not worried about relationships, he isn't thinking about how his choices affect the future, he is thinking one thing only: stay alive no matter the cost to self, or anyone else. I think we have a tendency to forget that even though our child has been with us _____ years, until they heal from their past trauma's and can truly feel safe in our home, they remain in survival mode. Several of our children have been with us for nearly a decade and they still struggle in this area.

  This was taken from Tales From Our House blog by Sandra Zimmerman. She was referring to the struggles of parenting broken traumatized children and how they are always on survival mode but it also struck a chord with me and reminded me of my own self: being a trauma survivor myself, of several traumas in life that have broken me so hard I just can't heal and can no longer "bounce back" anymore. She's right: it's all about survival. It just takes everything out of you just trying to survive. Each day is a struggle to get thru and with me it feels like I'm balancing between struggling to survive and trying to die and it's a daily battle to see at the end of the day who wins. That's what it's like every day when you have depression and bipolar like I do compounded with life-long scars that are so deep they can never heal. It feels like walking a tightrope, balancing between life and death every day, a struggle to stay alive.

  I think Albert Camus said it best with his quote: Your greatest accomplishment each day is deciding not to commit suicide. That's what it feels like for me daily: a balancing act just to stay alive, just trying to survive, deciding Why should I notjust end it all today? I literally have to talk myself into not killing myself each day, give myself a sort of a "pep talk" trying to convince myself why I should try and carry on at least one more day, why it just might get better some day, that there just might be a small sliver of hope to hold on to that things will change, as slim as it may be, my human instinct for survival is still there, as small and overshadowed as it is by the larger, more looming darkness that envelops me and clouds me every second of every day.

  Just trying to survive, being on constant survival mode, due to my life experiences is also what makes me what I am: the reason why I'm so insular, so guarded, so mistrustful, so suspicious, so paranoid, so withdrawn, so closed-off, so "prickly", so distant, so vigilant, so pessimistic, so negative, so anxious, so high-strung, so nervous, so cautious, so careful, so protective...... I'm just trying to protect myself from further harm, from further hurt and pain. I'm just trying to survive.