Broken Wings.

  I want to fly but I can't fly because I have broken wings. I want to soar and fly but you just can't fly with broken wings, you just can't. It doesn't work, no matter how hard you try. How do you fix a broken wing? How can you learn to fly again? How does a broken and wounded butterfly or bird learn to survive when it's grounded? Once something so fragile and delicate has been irreparably damaged how can it heal again and become whole and free again and be able to fly, to be restored to the health and vitality it once was? It is no longer what it was meant to be, and not only are it's wings clipped, they are broken.

  A FB friend told me I have to be the change I want in my life and I know to some degree that's true, but how can I possibly be more and other than what I am? How do you "undo" brokenness, years of trauma, abuse, hurt, rejection, abuse, victimization, self hatred,bullying, lack of love, never fitting in, not belonging, always longing, unfulfilled dreams, bitter disappointments, failures, etc. how do I just "turn off" autism, mental illness, physical limitations, or suddenly become attractive or likeable to others, or basically become someone else, another person, someone other than who I am, not me, and how do I change my family that hates me, treats me like shit and doesn't want me around, how can I make things better that never will be and will never change, how can I be someone else entirely with an entirely different life.....if only I could.....if only my wings weren't broken and I could still fly....

  As well, my hubby threatened me if I "touch" the outdoor Christmas lights( take then down "wrong" according to him) he won't drive me to church for a YEAR, and my scheduled early birthday lunch for today with my mother and I at our fave. Italian place got bumped to tomorrow,too, because my hubby and the girls decided that they wanted to do something today instead and even though I made my plans first anything for me is last on the list of priorities and always gets bumped to the back and is the least important and the first to get rescheduled or cancelled. A brother-in-law is also in Hawaii for the winter too and I loved Hawaii; it was one of my fave. places of all the places I've been to(I've been to 36 countries so far) as well as Italy( esp. the Amalfi Coast) and Greece(esp. Santorini).

  I was also ganged-up on and harrassed onlibne for a comment I posted saying I don't see why gays always find it necessary to loudly announce their sexuality and wear it like a badge or a crown, it's like they do it for attention, like, Hey! Look at me! I want attention! I'm gay! Aren't I trendy and progressive?  I mean, who cares? Whether you're gay or straight, so what? it's no one's business! It's not relevent; it's your own private business and I don't see the need to announce it all the time and I don't go around introducing myself, Hi! I'm straight! I'm hetero and I like dick! Of course they called me homophobe and the usual, but I'm not; I don't care if you're gay or not; I just don't see the need to constantly draw attention to yourself because you are or what it has to do with anything.